Oh no, I've lost an eight year old!

This weekend I had a few people over for festive nibbles (they nibbled, I wore a Santa hat), including my nephew Edward, who's eight. He decided to have a go on my new scales (which are, much like the rest of my flat, pink), and we discovered that he weighs just over four and a half stone. And how much have I lost in total? Just over four and a half stone (well, 4 stone, 11lbs as of tonight's weigh-in, actually). In other words, his weight = my loss. How weird is that?! I've lost a whole child! It only feels like a few weeks ago that I was counting up my weight loss in units of guinea pigs (1lb each) - now I've moved on to healthy growing boys! When we realised this, I thought I'd better get a picture so that I could try and make sense of it. Where the hell has all that flesh gone?



I got an incredible response to my last blog post (it's like fan mail and I can't keep up!) and I'm so touched by everyone's interest and support. I've realised more than ever recently that I know some extremely nice people. And I WILL get round to replying to everyone. God, who do I think I am - some kind of dieting celebrity?! Anyway, I've pretty much decided to start Route To Management on Tuesday 30th December. However, I'm going to eat a bit of protein at my work Christmas dinner and at my actual Christmas dinner with my parents in Chatteris. I'll be so close to the finish line that it seems silly not to. The booze, however, will remain untouched until the end of January when it's allowed. But I'm actually not that bothered. If you'd told me this time last year that I'd go without alcohol for five days, let alone five months, I would have laughed in your face (and you'd definitely smell a few vodka fumes...). So, the decision is pretty much made - I'm only a few pounds off my original target, and I'm feeling quite happy with myself. Even though I now have a pointy chin like Will Young.

Dilemma. Warning: you may find this boring.

I'm currently in a dilemma about when to go into Route To Management - for those of you not au fait with Lighter Life lingo, that's when to start reintroducing food. This process is a 12 week programme and is very gradual - in the first weeks I'll still be on two or three foodpacks a day, plus one or two meals (which will initially be mainly protein based - if you're really interested, you can read about it here: http://www.minimins.com/route-management/40101-curious-about-rtm.html). There's a lot of learning involved and everyone says it's the bit that's the real challenge. After four months of existing purely on Lighter Life foodpacks, I'm quite nervous - but also excited about learning how to maintain my weight and live a healthier life than I was pre-diet.

Anyway, these are the thoughts currently going through my head - they're a mixture of facts, figures, reasons for, reasons against, ifs and buts...

One of my original goals was to get into size 12 jeans - specifically, the £10 jeans from New Look which, in the past few months, I've owned and worn in a size 18, 16 and 14. I bought the 12s on Sunday without trying them on, thinking I had no chance of fitting into them just yet. I was wrong - they fit perfectly and I wore them to work yesterday. But are New Look generous with their sizes? Is it a fluke? I felt fraudulent when I was paying for them, as if the shop assistant was looking at me thinking "These won't fit you, fatty". But they do fit me. I should learn from this.

Since size 12 was easier than I thought, maybe I'd secretly like to get into a 10. This has just never seemed remotely achievable before. Now it is. So should I carry on? Or is this a slippery slope into OHMYGODTOOSKINNY hell?

My waist is now 28 inches (started out as 36, I think, possibly more) - and a person with a 28 inch waist is probably entitled to eat real food.

Hmm, I said "entitled" - interesting. I am definitely now feeling that it's a bit weird that a girl of my current size is not eating real food. But this is a structured diet that one should see through to the end.

Especially considering I am still a stone over my original goal weight.

But is my original goal weight achievable? Despite aforementioned size 12 victory, I'm still (according to the BMI scale), around two stone overweight. This is messing with my head - if I'm two stone overweight, I must still look pretty big, but that's not what people, or the labels on my clothes, are telling me. It's very confusing. On a good day, I think "Well, my bones are obviously heavy and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that", but on a bad day it makes me feel crap.

I've lost four and a half stone! That's amazing! Of course I should eat now!

I want to be a size 12. I am a size 12 in most things. But in some dresses I'm a 14. This is mainly to do with my boobs and, in some cases, the tops of my arms.

Would my boobs and the tops of my arms benefit more from exercise than any more weight loss?

Speaking of exercise: I'm enjoying going to the gym - in fact, I've just got back from there. Would eating some real food increase my strength, stamina and energy levels at the gym and make it even more enjoyable and effective? Probably.

As well as arms and boobs, my legs and tummy also need work, but again, this is a toning issue, not a weight loss one, I think... but I'm not sure.

If I complete RTM and still feel I have more weight to lose, I could do a couple of extra weeks of abstinence afterwards. But would going back to LL foodpacks be really, really hard after getting used to eating again? Would it feel like a step back?

I'm bored of some of the foodpacks, especially the savoury ones. I want to taste some different flavours.

If I started RTM now (well, next week), I could definitely eat something half-decent at Christmas.

I always said I didn't want to be in abstinence in 2009.

I'm not finding the weekly group sessions very helpful anymore. As our original group was down to just three people because so many had dropped out (pah!), we merged with another one. Apart from my lovely new friend Sam, the other women have quite a long way to go, so it feels more geared towards them than me. Also, some of them are quite negative and have lapsed a lot. I think this makes me feel a bit superior and also ready to move onto the next level and challenge myself all over again, when doing the foodpack thing is just second nature now. The RTM meetings will be on a different day, with a group of people who are all at that stage - including my other lovely new friend Donna, who made the transition last week.

And, perhaps the most significant thought of all:

I want to feel like a whole person again, not a work in progress/project. I don't want to be defined by this diet, which I very much feel like I am at the moment.

So, I think that's about it. I'm not expecting answers, but it's helpful to get all my thoughts down - although if you do have any wisdom for me, I would be very grateful. I know it must be hard for some people to relate to - you might be thinking "Just eat the bloody food and if you fuck it up, do some more dieting, you neurotic average-sized freak", but it's all a bit more complicated than that.

Sorry if I sound a bit bonkers and I'm also sorry for the lack of jokes and hilarious anecdotes in this blog-post. I'm even boring myself now.

PS. I would like to illustrate this post with a photo of me in the size 12 jeans, but I don't have one yet, and Delilah can't operate the camera (she is my cat. See, humour!).

Wobbling no more

Oh dear, it seems that a few people were worried about me after reading my last entry. But don't panic, I seem to be over my mental blip and am now finding it easier to see that I have indeed lost a hell of a lot of weight. And that's down to a few things...

I had last week off work and my sister came to stay for a couple of days. Now, Michelle is a size 10-12 and has pretty much always been that way, so I've always felt like the fat sister. Our body shapes are quite different, in that she is an inch or two taller than me, and she's more pear-shaped (she's going to hate me for this!) when I'm more hourglassy, so we're not particularly comparable. However, when she came to visit, we did some comparing anyway, prancing around in our underwear (no, boys, there isn't a video), trying on clothes and measuring each other. She tried on quite a few of my new dresses and they all either fit her or were only a bit too big. We also discovered that my waist is only one inch bigger than hers and my hips are only two inches bigger than hers. This is NOT how things appear in my head so it was quite an eye opener and really cheered me up. The fact that we went to Bluewater the next day where she bought me a lovely dress (from H&M, not known for its generous sizing) helped too. So, thank you Michelle - you are ace (and still the thin sister, so don't worry!).

In my last entry, I also remarked that it might help if I saw some people who hadn't seen me since pre-diet. Well, on Friday I went to a birthday party in glamorous Peckham where I saw four or five people who I hadn't seen for at least six months. A couple of them knew about the diet and a couple of them didn't, but all of them were very vocal about how much I'd changed and it made me feel great. So, it seems my ego was definitely in need of a massage - or some "positive strokes" as they're called in our Lighter Life meetings. I also got some boy attention which, without wishing to sound like a pathetic needy girl, always helps too.

Aside from obviously looking and feeling healthier, it turns out there are lots of other little bonuses to losing weight too - things I hadn't even realised were a problem before. One of the ones I'm enjoying the most is my new ability to wear heels - I used to only wear them for big nights out (and even then I'd either end up dancing around them - classy - or have to go out armed with some flats stuffed into my bag) and hadn't realised that my feet ached any more than those of my slim friends. But bloody hell, they obviously did, because now I find that I can wear heels whenever I like for long periods of time and because of this, the way I dress day to day has changed completely, in a good way. In other shoe-related news, bizarrely I've also gone down a shoe size. I can't say I was particularly hung up about being a size six in the first place, but the fact that I now appear to be a five is a nice excuse to buy even more shoes.

Another bonus is hair-related (god, this is all so shallow isn't it? I will move on to some things that are more about my inner peace, promise). I've always had chubby cheeks (my ex-boyfriend used to squeeze them and say "a round face is a happy face". Hmm, not at all patronising...) and this meant I always looked better with my hair down. But now I can wear it up too without looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll. So, again, it means my "look" can be more varied.

On less of an appearance-based issue, I've also found that getting public transport is a much more pleasant experience - and again, I didn't realise that I was giving myself a raw deal before. The trains from Norwood Junction in the morning are pretty crowded, but there are usually one or two seats dotted around. However, they're usually the ones that involve wedging one's womanly form between two sprawled-out middle-aged businessmen wielding copies of the Financial Times, so attempting to squeeze my child-bearing hips into them used to feel like a bit of an imposition. Not so anymore - now that I am a normal-sized girl (it's official! I'm a normal-sized girl! I admitted it!), I don't take up any excess space, and I don't get any tuts or dirty looks (actually, I do - but that's usually because I'm playing Miley Cyrus too loudly on my iPod). I noticed the same thing when I went to the theatre and to a gig at the weekend, and I'd imagine I'll notice it quite dramatically when I fly to Spain on Easyjet in February.

More importantly, I'm also now a nicer, calmer, more grown-up and saner person. I'm not saying I was horrible, manic, immature and bonkers before, but something's definitely changed. I think it's partly because I feel in control of my life at the moment, but also because I'm exercising regularly (I'm successfully gymming two or three times a week and - get this - actually enjoying it) and not subjecting my body to the highs and lows that come from sugar, carbs and booze. So, it'll be interesting to see if this inner calm goes out of the window when I start eating normal stuff again. Which leads me nicely onto the next subject...

Food. I'm now only around a stone off my original target and, since I'm averaging a loss of around 3lbs a week (average being the operative word - this week I lost 5lbs, but last week I only lost 1 lb, despite doing absolutely nothing any differently - aside from that lone vodka and soda at Reading all those months ago, I still haven't lapsed at all), I should hit that around Christmas. And I'm still undecided about what to do about that. Going into Management at New Year seems like a good idea, but I'd quite like to eat something at Christmas too. And as for alcohol... I'm scared! I think it will end up being a last-minute decision, and I think that's OK. I remember months ago I wrote that I was definitely going to eat and drink at my friend Raji's hen night - well, that's now been and gone, and when the time came, I decided to stick to the diet and still had a brilliant time. So perhaps the same thing will happen when Christmas rolls around. Christmas Day itself isn't really the issue, as my family have said they don't mind either way, but all the festive merriment beforehand could be tricky. My work Christmas dinner won't be much fun if I'm just sitting there for hours watching everyone stuff their faces with food and wine, but I can't and don't want to miss it. Oh well, there's no point getting stressed about it - I've managed this for four months and have lost 4 stone 5 lbs in that time, so what's another month?

So, apparently you people want pictures. Well, first, here's a (hideous) shot of me two weeks before starting Lighter Life, wearing a size 18 dress. When I bought that dress, I had to get Nicky to adjust the lining with some cunning scissorwork so that my boobs would fit in. It's a different story now - I tried it on the other day and it looked like an actual tent, and it was particularly billowing around the chest. I've now got rid of it, along with all my "fat" clothes (some of which my aforementioned ace sister is selling for me on eBay!). Anyway, I then present you with a picture of me in a similar pose at the party I went to on Friday. Even I can see the difference - and really it's more about toning up (I. Hate. My. Arms!) than losing much more weight now - yay!