Still alive - and not fat!

Hello. My name's Isabel and I used to write this blog.

Yes, I know, I know... it's been months since I've written in here - but that's partly been a conscious decision. I'm now firmly back in the world of eating and drinking like a normal person and my size 18 self is but a distant memory. Actually, perhaps that's not strictly true - every time I'm in the supermarket or in a restaurant, I have to think about the choices Isabel + 5 stone would make, and then do the opposite, and it's quite exhausting. However, I've been successfully maintaining my weight for the past few weeks but have still enjoyed myself, which is really good to know. In February, I gained a few pounds - but it was a whirlwind month of weddings, birthdays, holidays and other shenanigans, and I've since tried to balance it out in the way that someone who's never been overweight might. But I'm not going to pretend it's easy - for a start, my metabolism is still buggered from so many months of so few calories, so I'm more likely to gain weight than your average person. However, the effort is worth it, as I feel pretty great, if it's OK to say that without sounding like a wanker.

There's been a LOT going on - the biggest thing is definitely the fact that I have a new job, which I start in a couple of weeks. I've been at Heat for six years now and I am incredibly sad to be leaving, but it seems like the right time - and that's partly because of all this. I like the idea of going somewhere completely different where nobody knows the bigger me. I sometimes feel like the people I know now are just waiting for me to trip up and gain weight - although in reality I know that's probably just paranoia on my part, as nobody's that mean. Well, only one or two people anyway.

The love life relaunch has also been and continues to be... interesting. I'm not quite so much of an attention seeker that I'm going to divulge these things here, sorry. I wish I was that shameless, though, as my whole weight loss "journey" has led to some interesting boy-shaped developments, some good, some bad, and it would make for a really meaty and thought-provoking bloggy thing. Ooh, intriguing. But I can't go into it. Ha. Actually, I think some people might be quite relieved to hear that. La la la la la.

What else? I've covered food, work and romance - that's pretty much all there is to life, no? So, let's do some photos. I went to Spain last month, and happened to have my picture taken on the same beach as the last time I went, in March 2008. I'm even clutching the same flip-flops...



And then there was Raj and Tom's wedding a couple of weeks later, where I wore the best dress ever. I delved through the archives and found a photo of myself in a somewhat larger spotty dress back in November 2007. So you can literally spot the difference. Yeah, it's just the mouse ears really, isn't it?

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For a while I felt a bit repulsed when I looked at old pictures, but that seems to have passed. When I study those two "before" photos, I don't think I looked that bad. I definitely prefer the way I look now, but I don't utterly hate myself in either of those. My good bits are still my good bits, and my bad bits are still my bad bits - they're just scaled-down versions of them.

I do think it's important to regularly remind myself how far I've come, as for the past couple of months I've been deliberately trying to put the whole diet thing behind me and move on, as if I've always been this weight, and I've even been a bit annoyed when anyone else brings it up. However, I need to keep myself in check by looking back from time to time, if that makes sense. While I've partly written this blog entry tonight to shut all the people up who've been nagging me about not updating it, I've mainly written it for my own benefit - it's a bit of a pat on the back for how well I've done, but it's also a kick up the bum to remind me to keep it up.

Christmas 2007 Vs Christmas 2008

When I was looking through some old Facebook pictures the other day, I remembered posing for a photo on Christmas Day last year in my mum and dad's kitchen. So, I thought I'd re-enact it exactly a year later. Even I can see that the difference is quite alarming - you can see much more of the jukebox in the 2008 shot! The thing that upsets me a bit is that I thought I looked nice at the time of the 2007 photo, but now I think I look horrible, and that everyone else must have thought so too. Oh well.



So, it's the first day of 2009, I've reached my goal weight and have started reintroducing normal food. Blimey. 2008 was a year of massive change, both inside and out, and I'm feeling excited and positive about the future. Last night, I went out and saw in 2009 with the wonderful Nicky Stocks, wore a lovely new dress (size 12!), some even lovelier new shoes (size 5 - I used to be a 6!) and had my first (and second, third, fourth and fifth...) alcoholic drinks in five months. I had a brilliant time and there was no hangover either - it all felt very teenaged. I definitely indulged, but I don't feel that I over-indulged (even though booze isn't strictly on the agenda for a few weeks), and it didn't make me want to stuff my face with fried chicken, chips and/or bacon sandwiches. Here are me and Nicky showing off our pretty dresses in the glamorous surroundings of the Islington Academy toilets:



I'm not sure if I'll carry on drinking regularly over the coming weeks or not. It probably helps that lots of people will be having a tee-total start to the year, so I might just go along with that for the next few weeks, until February when I'll have a big wedding to go to (my friends Raji and Tom), a holiday (I'm off to Spain for a few days with my parents and my friend Debbie) and my 28th birthday, and I don't intend to stay entirely sober for any of those.

My first proper meal since August was, as planned, at my work Christmas lunch on December 23rd. One thing I wasn't prepared for was how nervous and overwhelmed I would feel beforehand. When we waited outside the restaurant for our tables to be ready, I felt seriously panicky and it was actually quite scary. In hindsight, it was probably a bit silly for my debut eating experience to be in front of 30-odd workmates, as I suddenly felt really weird about it, which I hadn't anticipated at all. Once we were actually sitting down (and I made sure I surrounded myself with my closest friends from work, which helped - so thank you Cuckoo, Laura and Stef. You are my rocks, or something) it was all OK, but I think beforehand the magnitude of what I've done over the past few months really hit me for the first time. But, once I'd calmed down a bit, I happily and sensibly ate a mini Christmas dinner (well, just a couple of prawns, a bit of turkey, some green beans and a few sprouts - I've never liked sprouts before but I bloody love them now) and it was very nice indeed. But you can see the fear in my eyes here as I took my first mouthful...



I had two similar meals with my family over the Christmas period, but did also pick at a few less sensible things - a bit of chocolate and a few bites of carrot cake. However, both of them made me feel a bit sick, whereas I've been really enjoying the healthier stuff, so that's good to know for the future. When I got weighed on Tuesday, I was shocked to discover that, despite upping my calorie intake considerably on three days out of seven, I managed to lose an unexpected five pounds over the course of the week, taking my total weight loss to 5 stone, 3 lbs. Those of you who feared that I'd descend into anorexia will be pleased to hear that I'm not bothered about losing anymore weight - mainly because I don't want all my new clothes to be too big! I've never had any desire to be skinny (like Bridget Jones, "I'll always be just a little bit fat"!). Size 12 is what I wanted and size 12 is where I am in 80 per cent of clothes - I'm a size 10 in some tops, and a size 14 in some bottoms, all of which sounds pretty normal.

I also discovered over the Christmas period that exercise is now definitely a habit. Regular readers and real-life friends will know that I've been going to the gym twice a week for a couple of months. I couldn't go over Christmas as I was at my parents' house some 80 miles away, but I still felt that I wanted to be active, so I went for a nice run with my sister on Boxing Day and then by myself a couple of days later. And here's the proof!



It felt great so I know that exercise is a habit I'll keep up in 2009. I've never been able to say that confidently before.

Despite the fact that I wasn't over-indulging like I normally would at this time of year, I feel like I had one of the best Christmases in ages. I got some lovely new clothes (plus some money to buy even more!) and I felt happy and relaxed rather than bloated or hungover. My family all commented that I am a much easier person to be around since doing Lighter Life - I'm not sure if this is because I feel happier with myself, or if it's because my moods are more stable as I'm not going through the highs and lows of carbs, sugar and alcohol - perhaps a bit of both. I don't like the implication that I used to be difficult, but I can see where they're coming from.

While I was at home in the Fens, I also went for a night out with Sarah, my friend from school who I hadn't seen for a whopping nine years. In the past I've shied away from these kinds of reunions, as I've felt ashamed of the way I looked, although this is something I haven't put into words until now. But this time I felt happy to see old faces as I'm slimmer now than I ever was at school - I weigh the same as I did before puberty!

So anyway, now that Christmas is out of the way, I'm following the whole Route To Management thing much more strictly - today I've had a grilled chicken breast with some salad, plus three Lighter Life packs, and that will be pretty typical of the next couple of weeks, before more foods are introduced. I'm basically like a baby being weaned onto solids. After months of surviving on nothing but bland, synthetic shakes and soups, everything suddenly tastes so exotic, and I'm enjoying foods that I've never bothered with before (green ones, mainly). Hopefully I'll keep this up and successfully maintain my weight loss. I guess that's my new year's resolution. Last year's new year's resolution was to master the art of liquid eyeliner, and I managed that (oh, and I lost over five stone...) so I'd better jolly well succeed at this one too. It would be a big old waste of time if I didn't, wouldn't it?

It's now time for me to say HAPPY NEW YEAR and a big thank you for all your support over the past few months. You're ace. Especially YOU.