Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Wobble
Most of my blog posts so far - in fact, all of them - have been very positive, but today I'm feeling a bit wobbly. Literally. I've lost four stone, I'm ahead of target as far as clothes sizes are concerned, I'm wearing things I actually like (well, not right now - I'm in my gym kit!), physically I feel really good and I'm getting compliments everywhere I go - but I feel a bit weird about it. We're warned on this diet that our brains might take a while to catch up with our bodies, meaning we'll find it hard to see that we've actually lost weight, but I thought I was a little more rational than that. Apparently not. When I look at photos of myself I can see a difference, but when I look in the mirror, I find it hard to see where that four stone has gone. I hope my brain catches up soon as it's making me feel very insecure and critical of myself. What can I do to help with this? It would be useful, perhaps, if I saw someone I hadn't seen since starting the diet, but I can't think of anyone. Also, I shouldn't have to rely on other people to hammer the point home - it ought to come from me. Perhaps I should also get back into the habit of having pictures taken every few weeks and posting them on Facebook. But again, that wouldn't just be for my own benefit - does that matter? What else would help... a giant cardboard cut-out of me pre-diet? Plastercasts of my body made every few weeks? A lobotomy? Aaargh, this is HARD!
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Boys, boys, boys
Over the past few weeks, I've been contemplating what losing weight might mean for my love life. When I started the diet (which is just over three months ago now, and it's flown by), I made a decision to remove myself from romantic entanglements too. This was partly for practical reasons - dating would be pretty tricky without food or drink being involved, unless I fancied explaining the whole thing to a new person or someone I didn't know very well. But it was also for more personal reasons - without wishing to sound like some kind of idiotic Californian, I guess I'm treating the last half of 2008 as a time of personal development and me-time and I consider myself to be a work in progress rather than a complete human being. This has been really positive, as it's allowed me to step back from all the dramarama of the pre-diet me, reflect on it and generally become more wise/pompous. So, I'll do a bit of that now, shall I?
Amusingly, in the last few weeks before I started Lighter Life (I made the decision to do it in early July, but had to wait a month or so before my group actually started), I was the most on fire I'd been in ages. I suppose every night out in that period had a ten to two quality to it, in that I knew the following few months wouldn't have such a sense of wild abandonment so I made the most of it. That makes it sound like I was slagging about a bit. I wasn't at all, but I was quite, um, popular. This leads me to an interesting point... I don't really feel that being a bit of a lard-arse has ever massively affected my pulling power. OK, so I've been officially single for much of the past four years but I don't think that's to do with my looks (or lack of…). When I told my parents I was doing Lighter Life, I got very, very annoyed when my mum’s instant reaction was "Oh yes, if you lose weight you might get a nice boyfriend". This makes my mum sound a bit horrid when she is in fact brilliant, and I know she was just trying to be encouraging, but it pissed me off at the time, for two reasons. The first is that I’m doing this diet for me and only me, and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn’t have been able to stick to it for so long if this wasn’t the case, and I think losing weight with the goal of getting a man would be pretty ill-advised and pathetic. The second thing that annoyed me about my mum’s reaction is the fact that I've got plenty of skinny friends with no boyfriends or not-nice boyfriends, and I've got plenty of non-skinny friends with nice boyfriends. Also, when I was at my heaviest, at the age of 21, I was in a happy long-term relationship. With an actual man, not with a Chinese takeaway menu, before you ask.
So, yes, basically it's all bollocks. Sorry Mum, but if anything's holding me back from having a "nice boyfriend" - and I don't even want one at the moment, thank you very much for asking - it's my personality! Any romantic failures I've had over the past few years - and believe me, there have been... several - haven't been about my level of physical attractiveness. In fact, the two men who've broken my heart the most in my life - one a long-term boyfriend, one a never-quite-anything - both seemed to think I was pretty hot. Unfortunately, they were evil. Sigh. Annoyingly, though, at the time of any romantic setback, I’ve often secretly and not-so secretly thought “Would this have happened if I was thinner?” but when I’ve reflected on it in hindsight, I’ve realised my weight had absolutely nothing to do with it. I think I’ve always been reasonably confident with my body in, um, intimate situations. I suppose I figured that if they’d got to that point with me, they knew what they were getting, and weirdly, I’ve always felt I look better in a state of undress than in clothes! This is to do with my body shape which has always been hourglassy - just different sizes of hourglass, I suppose - which is much easier to show off in, say, nice underwear than it is in the kind of generally uninspiring clothes that fit when you’re a size 16 or 18. I could say that I like me so much better when I’m naked but then I’d put a really annoying song in your heads and my dad might read it!
Contrary to everything I’ve said above, I am aware that being of a non plus-size variety might open up my options a bit. At least, one would assume so, since you only have to look at any internet dating site to see that the vast majority of men tick that they're looking for someone "slim, average or athletic", with far fewer of them also including "curvaceous" or whatever particular euphemism the website in question has gone for. Presumably, real-life men in real-life bars, nightclubs etc (um, where else do we meet people? I genuinely can't think of anywhere) have similar criteria but just don't get to spell it out quite so bluntly. Anyway, I haven't noticed if Isabel minus 3 stone 9lbs has been getting more male attention, as I haven't been looking, but when I relaunch myself in 2009, it will be interesting to observe.
But this all leads to a bit of a quandary - in fact, a series of quandaries - that I've analysed with various people, because I'm a girl, and that's what girls do. If, in 2009, I meet a whole new man who fancies the whole new me, do I have to explain that I'm four or five stone lighter than I used to be? Will he find this off-putting? Would it bother me that he probably wouldn't have liked me before I lost weight? And even if he didn't find it off-putting, would I constantly worry about putting on weight again and making myself less attractive in his (and my) eyes? Similarly, what if an existing man in my life who didn't fancy me before suddenly finds me attractive because I've lost weight? Would this be bad? One of my best friends thinks it would be bad, but I tend to disagree because the fact is, there are many men I find attractive, but I sure as hell wouldn't if they gained three or four stone. Shallow, but true. But that's not to say I wouldn't find it a bit difficult to deal with if this situation arose - again, the worries about me putting on weight (and they could be his worries, not mine) could rear their ugly fat heads. I'm interested to hear what other people think of all these issues, particularly men, so do let me know if you have any words of wisdom.
All of this is making me sound a bit neurotic, and I'm getting way ahead of myself since there is, for the first time in years, nobody at all on the scene (not that I'm aware of anyway - if you want a piece of me, do let me know and I'll book you in for 2009). Also, I've omitted a crucial detail - the change in me isn't simply physical. I feel like a different person, with more confidence, and confidence is way more desirable than slim thighs and sharp cheekbones, or so I've been lead to believe. I also feel much more in control than I've ever been before, and just generally more brilliant. Perhaps I'll actually become a total egomaniac and repel all human beings. But at least I'll be a slim egomaniac!
Amusingly, in the last few weeks before I started Lighter Life (I made the decision to do it in early July, but had to wait a month or so before my group actually started), I was the most on fire I'd been in ages. I suppose every night out in that period had a ten to two quality to it, in that I knew the following few months wouldn't have such a sense of wild abandonment so I made the most of it. That makes it sound like I was slagging about a bit. I wasn't at all, but I was quite, um, popular. This leads me to an interesting point... I don't really feel that being a bit of a lard-arse has ever massively affected my pulling power. OK, so I've been officially single for much of the past four years but I don't think that's to do with my looks (or lack of…). When I told my parents I was doing Lighter Life, I got very, very annoyed when my mum’s instant reaction was "Oh yes, if you lose weight you might get a nice boyfriend". This makes my mum sound a bit horrid when she is in fact brilliant, and I know she was just trying to be encouraging, but it pissed me off at the time, for two reasons. The first is that I’m doing this diet for me and only me, and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn’t have been able to stick to it for so long if this wasn’t the case, and I think losing weight with the goal of getting a man would be pretty ill-advised and pathetic. The second thing that annoyed me about my mum’s reaction is the fact that I've got plenty of skinny friends with no boyfriends or not-nice boyfriends, and I've got plenty of non-skinny friends with nice boyfriends. Also, when I was at my heaviest, at the age of 21, I was in a happy long-term relationship. With an actual man, not with a Chinese takeaway menu, before you ask.
So, yes, basically it's all bollocks. Sorry Mum, but if anything's holding me back from having a "nice boyfriend" - and I don't even want one at the moment, thank you very much for asking - it's my personality! Any romantic failures I've had over the past few years - and believe me, there have been... several - haven't been about my level of physical attractiveness. In fact, the two men who've broken my heart the most in my life - one a long-term boyfriend, one a never-quite-anything - both seemed to think I was pretty hot. Unfortunately, they were evil. Sigh. Annoyingly, though, at the time of any romantic setback, I’ve often secretly and not-so secretly thought “Would this have happened if I was thinner?” but when I’ve reflected on it in hindsight, I’ve realised my weight had absolutely nothing to do with it. I think I’ve always been reasonably confident with my body in, um, intimate situations. I suppose I figured that if they’d got to that point with me, they knew what they were getting, and weirdly, I’ve always felt I look better in a state of undress than in clothes! This is to do with my body shape which has always been hourglassy - just different sizes of hourglass, I suppose - which is much easier to show off in, say, nice underwear than it is in the kind of generally uninspiring clothes that fit when you’re a size 16 or 18. I could say that I like me so much better when I’m naked but then I’d put a really annoying song in your heads and my dad might read it!
Contrary to everything I’ve said above, I am aware that being of a non plus-size variety might open up my options a bit. At least, one would assume so, since you only have to look at any internet dating site to see that the vast majority of men tick that they're looking for someone "slim, average or athletic", with far fewer of them also including "curvaceous" or whatever particular euphemism the website in question has gone for. Presumably, real-life men in real-life bars, nightclubs etc (um, where else do we meet people? I genuinely can't think of anywhere) have similar criteria but just don't get to spell it out quite so bluntly. Anyway, I haven't noticed if Isabel minus 3 stone 9lbs has been getting more male attention, as I haven't been looking, but when I relaunch myself in 2009, it will be interesting to observe.
But this all leads to a bit of a quandary - in fact, a series of quandaries - that I've analysed with various people, because I'm a girl, and that's what girls do. If, in 2009, I meet a whole new man who fancies the whole new me, do I have to explain that I'm four or five stone lighter than I used to be? Will he find this off-putting? Would it bother me that he probably wouldn't have liked me before I lost weight? And even if he didn't find it off-putting, would I constantly worry about putting on weight again and making myself less attractive in his (and my) eyes? Similarly, what if an existing man in my life who didn't fancy me before suddenly finds me attractive because I've lost weight? Would this be bad? One of my best friends thinks it would be bad, but I tend to disagree because the fact is, there are many men I find attractive, but I sure as hell wouldn't if they gained three or four stone. Shallow, but true. But that's not to say I wouldn't find it a bit difficult to deal with if this situation arose - again, the worries about me putting on weight (and they could be his worries, not mine) could rear their ugly fat heads. I'm interested to hear what other people think of all these issues, particularly men, so do let me know if you have any words of wisdom.
All of this is making me sound a bit neurotic, and I'm getting way ahead of myself since there is, for the first time in years, nobody at all on the scene (not that I'm aware of anyway - if you want a piece of me, do let me know and I'll book you in for 2009). Also, I've omitted a crucial detail - the change in me isn't simply physical. I feel like a different person, with more confidence, and confidence is way more desirable than slim thighs and sharp cheekbones, or so I've been lead to believe. I also feel much more in control than I've ever been before, and just generally more brilliant. Perhaps I'll actually become a total egomaniac and repel all human beings. But at least I'll be a slim egomaniac!
Monday, 3 November 2008
Triumph
Back in July, when I was waiting to start Lighter Life, I bought a lovely red dress from ASOS in a size 12-14. I've never been a size 12-14 in my life, not even when I was a kid, so it was a bit of a risk to buy it when I hadn't even started the diet, but I knew how determined I was.
So, I've been trying the dress on at regular intervals ever since then. Three months ago, I couldn't even begin to get it on. A month ago, I could get it on, but it was too tight on the boobs and arms. Fast forward to this weekend, and I was fretting about what to wear to my brother in law's 40th birthday party. My wardrobe is quite limited at the moment, because I've got rid of all of my old stuff but am reluctant to buy too many new things in transitional sizes. So, I tried on the red dress, expecting it to still be too tight, but I think you know what's coming... it fit perfectly!
I ended up wearing it to David's party, had a great time and got lots and lots of compliments. I have to say, I'm enjoying all the attention. When I stop losing weight, I might have to drastically alter my appearance from week to week (shaved head? Tattoos? Face transplant?) just to keep the attention coming, like some kind of publicity-hungry celebrity. Jesus, I could turn into Jodie Marsh. Anyway, here is the hard evidence that the dress fits (incidentally, a few months ago there's no way I would have allowed a full-length photo to be taken next to a friend as skinny and gorgeous as Nicky... although admittedly, it's not the best picture of her - sorry Stocks, but I look nice!):
I know it sounds silly to put so much meaning into an item of clothing, but fitting into it felt like an impossible dream, so it meant so much to be able to wear it. It's the first time in my life that I've given myself an incentive and actually achieved my goal. And that feels amazing.
People keep asking me how much longer this diet goes on for. Let me explain so I don't have to have this conversation again. Initially, you sign up for 100 days of "abstinence", existing on four foodpacks a day and loads of water. My 100 days is up on November 15th, less than two weeks from now. But at that point you can carry on for as long as you like, until you get to your target weight. I've lost exactly three and a half stone so far, and to get to my original target of a size 12, I reckon I need to lose around two more stone, although it's quite tricky to gauge it. I've decided to lose another stone and a half and then re-evaluate, which should take me into December. I do not want to be in total abstinence at all in 2009, so either at the end of December or the beginning of January, I'll start the Management section of the diet, which is the most important bit when it comes to maintaining my new weight. It's a set 12 week programme which is very gradual, so initially I'll still be having three of the foodpacks a day plus one protein-based meal, with different kinds of foods being introduced each week. This all feels quite daunting as by that point I won't have eaten normal food for over four months! It means that by the time my 28th birthday (ugh) rolls around at the end of February, I should be eating fairly normally and drinking a bit and after months of no booze, I'd imagine I'll be a very cheap date.
You may have noticed that Christmas sits quite clumsily in the middle of all this uncertainty. I'm hoping that I'll be able to have a protein meal - ie turkey plus vegetables - on Christmas Day, but I'm really not that fussed and will see how I'm getting on at the time. Christmas isn't particularly important to me and my mum isn't into cooking, so I don't think anyone will be remotely bothered if I'm not eating a proper Christmas dinner. I can just entertain the children or something. The main thing I'm excited about Christmas-wise are all the clothes vouchers I'm going to demand, because that's the kind of vain, shallow human being this diet is turning me into. And I'll be a size 12 by then and will actually be able to buy stuff that will fit for more than a month. So exciting.
In fact, I'm excited about 2009 generally. 2007 was absolute hell for various reasons, 2008 has been more reflective and a time for personal development and improvement inside and out, and 2009 is when Isabel: The Relaunch will take place. Move over Britney, THIS is the comeback everyone will be talking about...
So, I've been trying the dress on at regular intervals ever since then. Three months ago, I couldn't even begin to get it on. A month ago, I could get it on, but it was too tight on the boobs and arms. Fast forward to this weekend, and I was fretting about what to wear to my brother in law's 40th birthday party. My wardrobe is quite limited at the moment, because I've got rid of all of my old stuff but am reluctant to buy too many new things in transitional sizes. So, I tried on the red dress, expecting it to still be too tight, but I think you know what's coming... it fit perfectly!
I ended up wearing it to David's party, had a great time and got lots and lots of compliments. I have to say, I'm enjoying all the attention. When I stop losing weight, I might have to drastically alter my appearance from week to week (shaved head? Tattoos? Face transplant?) just to keep the attention coming, like some kind of publicity-hungry celebrity. Jesus, I could turn into Jodie Marsh. Anyway, here is the hard evidence that the dress fits (incidentally, a few months ago there's no way I would have allowed a full-length photo to be taken next to a friend as skinny and gorgeous as Nicky... although admittedly, it's not the best picture of her - sorry Stocks, but I look nice!):
I know it sounds silly to put so much meaning into an item of clothing, but fitting into it felt like an impossible dream, so it meant so much to be able to wear it. It's the first time in my life that I've given myself an incentive and actually achieved my goal. And that feels amazing.
People keep asking me how much longer this diet goes on for. Let me explain so I don't have to have this conversation again. Initially, you sign up for 100 days of "abstinence", existing on four foodpacks a day and loads of water. My 100 days is up on November 15th, less than two weeks from now. But at that point you can carry on for as long as you like, until you get to your target weight. I've lost exactly three and a half stone so far, and to get to my original target of a size 12, I reckon I need to lose around two more stone, although it's quite tricky to gauge it. I've decided to lose another stone and a half and then re-evaluate, which should take me into December. I do not want to be in total abstinence at all in 2009, so either at the end of December or the beginning of January, I'll start the Management section of the diet, which is the most important bit when it comes to maintaining my new weight. It's a set 12 week programme which is very gradual, so initially I'll still be having three of the foodpacks a day plus one protein-based meal, with different kinds of foods being introduced each week. This all feels quite daunting as by that point I won't have eaten normal food for over four months! It means that by the time my 28th birthday (ugh) rolls around at the end of February, I should be eating fairly normally and drinking a bit and after months of no booze, I'd imagine I'll be a very cheap date.
You may have noticed that Christmas sits quite clumsily in the middle of all this uncertainty. I'm hoping that I'll be able to have a protein meal - ie turkey plus vegetables - on Christmas Day, but I'm really not that fussed and will see how I'm getting on at the time. Christmas isn't particularly important to me and my mum isn't into cooking, so I don't think anyone will be remotely bothered if I'm not eating a proper Christmas dinner. I can just entertain the children or something. The main thing I'm excited about Christmas-wise are all the clothes vouchers I'm going to demand, because that's the kind of vain, shallow human being this diet is turning me into. And I'll be a size 12 by then and will actually be able to buy stuff that will fit for more than a month. So exciting.
In fact, I'm excited about 2009 generally. 2007 was absolute hell for various reasons, 2008 has been more reflective and a time for personal development and improvement inside and out, and 2009 is when Isabel: The Relaunch will take place. Move over Britney, THIS is the comeback everyone will be talking about...
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