Dilemma. Warning: you may find this boring.

I'm currently in a dilemma about when to go into Route To Management - for those of you not au fait with Lighter Life lingo, that's when to start reintroducing food. This process is a 12 week programme and is very gradual - in the first weeks I'll still be on two or three foodpacks a day, plus one or two meals (which will initially be mainly protein based - if you're really interested, you can read about it here: http://www.minimins.com/route-management/40101-curious-about-rtm.html). There's a lot of learning involved and everyone says it's the bit that's the real challenge. After four months of existing purely on Lighter Life foodpacks, I'm quite nervous - but also excited about learning how to maintain my weight and live a healthier life than I was pre-diet.

Anyway, these are the thoughts currently going through my head - they're a mixture of facts, figures, reasons for, reasons against, ifs and buts...

One of my original goals was to get into size 12 jeans - specifically, the £10 jeans from New Look which, in the past few months, I've owned and worn in a size 18, 16 and 14. I bought the 12s on Sunday without trying them on, thinking I had no chance of fitting into them just yet. I was wrong - they fit perfectly and I wore them to work yesterday. But are New Look generous with their sizes? Is it a fluke? I felt fraudulent when I was paying for them, as if the shop assistant was looking at me thinking "These won't fit you, fatty". But they do fit me. I should learn from this.

Since size 12 was easier than I thought, maybe I'd secretly like to get into a 10. This has just never seemed remotely achievable before. Now it is. So should I carry on? Or is this a slippery slope into OHMYGODTOOSKINNY hell?

My waist is now 28 inches (started out as 36, I think, possibly more) - and a person with a 28 inch waist is probably entitled to eat real food.

Hmm, I said "entitled" - interesting. I am definitely now feeling that it's a bit weird that a girl of my current size is not eating real food. But this is a structured diet that one should see through to the end.

Especially considering I am still a stone over my original goal weight.

But is my original goal weight achievable? Despite aforementioned size 12 victory, I'm still (according to the BMI scale), around two stone overweight. This is messing with my head - if I'm two stone overweight, I must still look pretty big, but that's not what people, or the labels on my clothes, are telling me. It's very confusing. On a good day, I think "Well, my bones are obviously heavy and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that", but on a bad day it makes me feel crap.

I've lost four and a half stone! That's amazing! Of course I should eat now!

I want to be a size 12. I am a size 12 in most things. But in some dresses I'm a 14. This is mainly to do with my boobs and, in some cases, the tops of my arms.

Would my boobs and the tops of my arms benefit more from exercise than any more weight loss?

Speaking of exercise: I'm enjoying going to the gym - in fact, I've just got back from there. Would eating some real food increase my strength, stamina and energy levels at the gym and make it even more enjoyable and effective? Probably.

As well as arms and boobs, my legs and tummy also need work, but again, this is a toning issue, not a weight loss one, I think... but I'm not sure.

If I complete RTM and still feel I have more weight to lose, I could do a couple of extra weeks of abstinence afterwards. But would going back to LL foodpacks be really, really hard after getting used to eating again? Would it feel like a step back?

I'm bored of some of the foodpacks, especially the savoury ones. I want to taste some different flavours.

If I started RTM now (well, next week), I could definitely eat something half-decent at Christmas.

I always said I didn't want to be in abstinence in 2009.

I'm not finding the weekly group sessions very helpful anymore. As our original group was down to just three people because so many had dropped out (pah!), we merged with another one. Apart from my lovely new friend Sam, the other women have quite a long way to go, so it feels more geared towards them than me. Also, some of them are quite negative and have lapsed a lot. I think this makes me feel a bit superior and also ready to move onto the next level and challenge myself all over again, when doing the foodpack thing is just second nature now. The RTM meetings will be on a different day, with a group of people who are all at that stage - including my other lovely new friend Donna, who made the transition last week.

And, perhaps the most significant thought of all:

I want to feel like a whole person again, not a work in progress/project. I don't want to be defined by this diet, which I very much feel like I am at the moment.

So, I think that's about it. I'm not expecting answers, but it's helpful to get all my thoughts down - although if you do have any wisdom for me, I would be very grateful. I know it must be hard for some people to relate to - you might be thinking "Just eat the bloody food and if you fuck it up, do some more dieting, you neurotic average-sized freak", but it's all a bit more complicated than that.

Sorry if I sound a bit bonkers and I'm also sorry for the lack of jokes and hilarious anecdotes in this blog-post. I'm even boring myself now.

PS. I would like to illustrate this post with a photo of me in the size 12 jeans, but I don't have one yet, and Delilah can't operate the camera (she is my cat. See, humour!).