Over the past few weeks, I've been contemplating what losing weight might mean for my love life. When I started the diet (which is just over three months ago now, and it's flown by), I made a decision to remove myself from romantic entanglements too. This was partly for practical reasons - dating would be pretty tricky without food or drink being involved, unless I fancied explaining the whole thing to a new person or someone I didn't know very well. But it was also for more personal reasons - without wishing to sound like some kind of idiotic Californian, I guess I'm treating the last half of 2008 as a time of personal development and me-time and I consider myself to be a work in progress rather than a complete human being. This has been really positive, as it's allowed me to step back from all the dramarama of the pre-diet me, reflect on it and generally become more wise/pompous. So, I'll do a bit of that now, shall I?
Amusingly, in the last few weeks before I started Lighter Life (I made the decision to do it in early July, but had to wait a month or so before my group actually started), I was the most on fire I'd been in ages. I suppose every night out in that period had a ten to two quality to it, in that I knew the following few months wouldn't have such a sense of wild abandonment so I made the most of it. That makes it sound like I was slagging about a bit. I wasn't at all, but I was quite, um, popular. This leads me to an interesting point... I don't really feel that being a bit of a lard-arse has ever massively affected my pulling power. OK, so I've been officially single for much of the past four years but I don't think that's to do with my looks (or lack of…). When I told my parents I was doing Lighter Life, I got very, very annoyed when my mum’s instant reaction was "Oh yes, if you lose weight you might get a nice boyfriend". This makes my mum sound a bit horrid when she is in fact brilliant, and I know she was just trying to be encouraging, but it pissed me off at the time, for two reasons. The first is that I’m doing this diet for me and only me, and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn’t have been able to stick to it for so long if this wasn’t the case, and I think losing weight with the goal of getting a man would be pretty ill-advised and pathetic. The second thing that annoyed me about my mum’s reaction is the fact that I've got plenty of skinny friends with no boyfriends or not-nice boyfriends, and I've got plenty of non-skinny friends with nice boyfriends. Also, when I was at my heaviest, at the age of 21, I was in a happy long-term relationship. With an actual man, not with a Chinese takeaway menu, before you ask.
So, yes, basically it's all bollocks. Sorry Mum, but if anything's holding me back from having a "nice boyfriend" - and I don't even want one at the moment, thank you very much for asking - it's my personality! Any romantic failures I've had over the past few years - and believe me, there have been... several - haven't been about my level of physical attractiveness. In fact, the two men who've broken my heart the most in my life - one a long-term boyfriend, one a never-quite-anything - both seemed to think I was pretty hot. Unfortunately, they were evil. Sigh. Annoyingly, though, at the time of any romantic setback, I’ve often secretly and not-so secretly thought “Would this have happened if I was thinner?” but when I’ve reflected on it in hindsight, I’ve realised my weight had absolutely nothing to do with it. I think I’ve always been reasonably confident with my body in, um, intimate situations. I suppose I figured that if they’d got to that point with me, they knew what they were getting, and weirdly, I’ve always felt I look better in a state of undress than in clothes! This is to do with my body shape which has always been hourglassy - just different sizes of hourglass, I suppose - which is much easier to show off in, say, nice underwear than it is in the kind of generally uninspiring clothes that fit when you’re a size 16 or 18. I could say that I like me so much better when I’m naked but then I’d put a really annoying song in your heads and my dad might read it!
Contrary to everything I’ve said above, I am aware that being of a non plus-size variety might open up my options a bit. At least, one would assume so, since you only have to look at any internet dating site to see that the vast majority of men tick that they're looking for someone "slim, average or athletic", with far fewer of them also including "curvaceous" or whatever particular euphemism the website in question has gone for. Presumably, real-life men in real-life bars, nightclubs etc (um, where else do we meet people? I genuinely can't think of anywhere) have similar criteria but just don't get to spell it out quite so bluntly. Anyway, I haven't noticed if Isabel minus 3 stone 9lbs has been getting more male attention, as I haven't been looking, but when I relaunch myself in 2009, it will be interesting to observe.
But this all leads to a bit of a quandary - in fact, a series of quandaries - that I've analysed with various people, because I'm a girl, and that's what girls do. If, in 2009, I meet a whole new man who fancies the whole new me, do I have to explain that I'm four or five stone lighter than I used to be? Will he find this off-putting? Would it bother me that he probably wouldn't have liked me before I lost weight? And even if he didn't find it off-putting, would I constantly worry about putting on weight again and making myself less attractive in his (and my) eyes? Similarly, what if an existing man in my life who didn't fancy me before suddenly finds me attractive because I've lost weight? Would this be bad? One of my best friends thinks it would be bad, but I tend to disagree because the fact is, there are many men I find attractive, but I sure as hell wouldn't if they gained three or four stone. Shallow, but true. But that's not to say I wouldn't find it a bit difficult to deal with if this situation arose - again, the worries about me putting on weight (and they could be his worries, not mine) could rear their ugly fat heads. I'm interested to hear what other people think of all these issues, particularly men, so do let me know if you have any words of wisdom.
All of this is making me sound a bit neurotic, and I'm getting way ahead of myself since there is, for the first time in years, nobody at all on the scene (not that I'm aware of anyway - if you want a piece of me, do let me know and I'll book you in for 2009). Also, I've omitted a crucial detail - the change in me isn't simply physical. I feel like a different person, with more confidence, and confidence is way more desirable than slim thighs and sharp cheekbones, or so I've been lead to believe. I also feel much more in control than I've ever been before, and just generally more brilliant. Perhaps I'll actually become a total egomaniac and repel all human beings. But at least I'll be a slim egomaniac!
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3 comments:
Hmm, food for thought IsMo!
You could well be right there, but I do think aesthetics only really play a part in the initial stages of a relationship. You sort of market yourself as favourably as possible, wearing all your best clothes and never letting them see you without makeup. Once they're snared you begin to relax (cue PMT-fuelled arguments, wearing pyjamas all day etc).
So, if you did find a man with your new figure, they might initially be attracted to your looks but will fall in love with your personality.
As you said, you've never exactly had problems attracting men - infact, you're almost as prolific as me...I jest, of course (that I'm prolific, not you). So that, coupled with your new-found confidence (and amazing wardrobe -I look forward to seeing your outfits every day at work) will surely be a winning combination. But obviously, that's not the issue. Personally, I see nothing wrong if a different set of boys now fancy you who didn't before - in the same way, there might be boys who fancied you before who don't fancy you now. It's just the way it goes - people prefer different things. I once had literally the worst haircut ever (shaved underneath, short, black) and a single boy didn't look at me for a year until it grew back, with various members of the opposite sex saying how they didn't find me attractive any more (I know, boys are delightful). I then grew it back (because I hated it too - it really was awful), and all of a sudden the same people found me attractive again. Shallow, yes. But it's the way people work.
Either way, it's going to be your confidence and dazzling wit that will make people want to 'stay' (that's if you want a boyfriend, of course.)Plus your inherent hotness, which was there before and is still there now.
I'm curious to know if you think you would be doing the diet if you were in a stable and happy long-term relationship with someone? I always find that I've been happiest with my appearance and myself generally when I've had someone to confirm that I'm awesome.
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