She's losing it...: 2008

Monday, 15 December 2008

Oh no, I've lost an eight year old!

This weekend I had a few people over for festive nibbles (they nibbled, I wore a Santa hat), including my nephew Edward, who's eight. He decided to have a go on my new scales (which are, much like the rest of my flat, pink), and we discovered that he weighs just over four and a half stone. And how much have I lost in total? Just over four and a half stone (well, 4 stone, 11lbs as of tonight's weigh-in, actually). In other words, his weight = my loss. How weird is that?! I've lost a whole child! It only feels like a few weeks ago that I was counting up my weight loss in units of guinea pigs (1lb each) - now I've moved on to healthy growing boys! When we realised this, I thought I'd better get a picture so that I could try and make sense of it. Where the hell has all that flesh gone?

I got an incredible response to my last blog post (it's like fan mail and I can't keep up!) and I'm so touched by everyone's interest and support. I've realised more than ever recently that I know some extremely nice people. And I WILL get round to replying to everyone. God, who do I think I am - some kind of dieting celebrity?! Anyway, I've pretty much decided to start Route To Management on Tuesday 30th December. However, I'm going to eat a bit of protein at my work Christmas dinner and at my actual Christmas dinner with my parents in Chatteris. I'll be so close to the finish line that it seems silly not to. The booze, however, will remain untouched until the end of January when it's allowed. But I'm actually not that bothered. If you'd told me this time last year that I'd go without alcohol for five days, let alone five months, I would have laughed in your face (and you'd definitely smell a few vodka fumes...). So, the decision is pretty much made - I'm only a few pounds off my original target, and I'm feeling quite happy with myself. Even though I now have a pointy chin like Will Young.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Dilemma. Warning: you may find this boring.

I'm currently in a dilemma about when to go into Route To Management - for those of you not au fait with Lighter Life lingo, that's when to start reintroducing food. This process is a 12 week programme and is very gradual - in the first weeks I'll still be on two or three foodpacks a day, plus one or two meals (which will initially be mainly protein based - if you're really interested, you can read about it here: http://www.minimins.com/route-management/40101-curious-about-rtm.html). There's a lot of learning involved and everyone says it's the bit that's the real challenge. After four months of existing purely on Lighter Life foodpacks, I'm quite nervous - but also excited about learning how to maintain my weight and live a healthier life than I was pre-diet.

Anyway, these are the thoughts currently going through my head - they're a mixture of facts, figures, reasons for, reasons against, ifs and buts...

One of my original goals was to get into size 12 jeans - specifically, the £10 jeans from New Look which, in the past few months, I've owned and worn in a size 18, 16 and 14. I bought the 12s on Sunday without trying them on, thinking I had no chance of fitting into them just yet. I was wrong - they fit perfectly and I wore them to work yesterday. But are New Look generous with their sizes? Is it a fluke? I felt fraudulent when I was paying for them, as if the shop assistant was looking at me thinking "These won't fit you, fatty". But they do fit me. I should learn from this.

Since size 12 was easier than I thought, maybe I'd secretly like to get into a 10. This has just never seemed remotely achievable before. Now it is. So should I carry on? Or is this a slippery slope into OHMYGODTOOSKINNY hell?

My waist is now 28 inches (started out as 36, I think, possibly more) - and a person with a 28 inch waist is probably entitled to eat real food.

Hmm, I said "entitled" - interesting. I am definitely now feeling that it's a bit weird that a girl of my current size is not eating real food. But this is a structured diet that one should see through to the end.

Especially considering I am still a stone over my original goal weight.

But is my original goal weight achievable? Despite aforementioned size 12 victory, I'm still (according to the BMI scale), around two stone overweight. This is messing with my head - if I'm two stone overweight, I must still look pretty big, but that's not what people, or the labels on my clothes, are telling me. It's very confusing. On a good day, I think "Well, my bones are obviously heavy and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that", but on a bad day it makes me feel crap.

I've lost four and a half stone! That's amazing! Of course I should eat now!

I want to be a size 12. I am a size 12 in most things. But in some dresses I'm a 14. This is mainly to do with my boobs and, in some cases, the tops of my arms.

Would my boobs and the tops of my arms benefit more from exercise than any more weight loss?

Speaking of exercise: I'm enjoying going to the gym - in fact, I've just got back from there. Would eating some real food increase my strength, stamina and energy levels at the gym and make it even more enjoyable and effective? Probably.

As well as arms and boobs, my legs and tummy also need work, but again, this is a toning issue, not a weight loss one, I think... but I'm not sure.

If I complete RTM and still feel I have more weight to lose, I could do a couple of extra weeks of abstinence afterwards. But would going back to LL foodpacks be really, really hard after getting used to eating again? Would it feel like a step back?

I'm bored of some of the foodpacks, especially the savoury ones. I want to taste some different flavours.

If I started RTM now (well, next week), I could definitely eat something half-decent at Christmas.

I always said I didn't want to be in abstinence in 2009.

I'm not finding the weekly group sessions very helpful anymore. As our original group was down to just three people because so many had dropped out (pah!), we merged with another one. Apart from my lovely new friend Sam, the other women have quite a long way to go, so it feels more geared towards them than me. Also, some of them are quite negative and have lapsed a lot. I think this makes me feel a bit superior and also ready to move onto the next level and challenge myself all over again, when doing the foodpack thing is just second nature now. The RTM meetings will be on a different day, with a group of people who are all at that stage - including my other lovely new friend Donna, who made the transition last week.

And, perhaps the most significant thought of all:

I want to feel like a whole person again, not a work in progress/project. I don't want to be defined by this diet, which I very much feel like I am at the moment.

So, I think that's about it. I'm not expecting answers, but it's helpful to get all my thoughts down - although if you do have any wisdom for me, I would be very grateful. I know it must be hard for some people to relate to - you might be thinking "Just eat the bloody food and if you fuck it up, do some more dieting, you neurotic average-sized freak", but it's all a bit more complicated than that.

Sorry if I sound a bit bonkers and I'm also sorry for the lack of jokes and hilarious anecdotes in this blog-post. I'm even boring myself now.

PS. I would like to illustrate this post with a photo of me in the size 12 jeans, but I don't have one yet, and Delilah can't operate the camera (she is my cat. See, humour!).

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Wobbling no more

Oh dear, it seems that a few people were worried about me after reading my last entry. But don't panic, I seem to be over my mental blip and am now finding it easier to see that I have indeed lost a hell of a lot of weight. And that's down to a few things...

I had last week off work and my sister came to stay for a couple of days. Now, Michelle is a size 10-12 and has pretty much always been that way, so I've always felt like the fat sister. Our body shapes are quite different, in that she is an inch or two taller than me, and she's more pear-shaped (she's going to hate me for this!) when I'm more hourglassy, so we're not particularly comparable. However, when she came to visit, we did some comparing anyway, prancing around in our underwear (no, boys, there isn't a video), trying on clothes and measuring each other. She tried on quite a few of my new dresses and they all either fit her or were only a bit too big. We also discovered that my waist is only one inch bigger than hers and my hips are only two inches bigger than hers. This is NOT how things appear in my head so it was quite an eye opener and really cheered me up. The fact that we went to Bluewater the next day where she bought me a lovely dress (from H&M, not known for its generous sizing) helped too. So, thank you Michelle - you are ace (and still the thin sister, so don't worry!).

In my last entry, I also remarked that it might help if I saw some people who hadn't seen me since pre-diet. Well, on Friday I went to a birthday party in glamorous Peckham where I saw four or five people who I hadn't seen for at least six months. A couple of them knew about the diet and a couple of them didn't, but all of them were very vocal about how much I'd changed and it made me feel great. So, it seems my ego was definitely in need of a massage - or some "positive strokes" as they're called in our Lighter Life meetings. I also got some boy attention which, without wishing to sound like a pathetic needy girl, always helps too.

Aside from obviously looking and feeling healthier, it turns out there are lots of other little bonuses to losing weight too - things I hadn't even realised were a problem before. One of the ones I'm enjoying the most is my new ability to wear heels - I used to only wear them for big nights out (and even then I'd either end up dancing around them - classy - or have to go out armed with some flats stuffed into my bag) and hadn't realised that my feet ached any more than those of my slim friends. But bloody hell, they obviously did, because now I find that I can wear heels whenever I like for long periods of time and because of this, the way I dress day to day has changed completely, in a good way. In other shoe-related news, bizarrely I've also gone down a shoe size. I can't say I was particularly hung up about being a size six in the first place, but the fact that I now appear to be a five is a nice excuse to buy even more shoes.

Another bonus is hair-related (god, this is all so shallow isn't it? I will move on to some things that are more about my inner peace, promise). I've always had chubby cheeks (my ex-boyfriend used to squeeze them and say "a round face is a happy face". Hmm, not at all patronising...) and this meant I always looked better with my hair down. But now I can wear it up too without looking like a Cabbage Patch Doll. So, again, it means my "look" can be more varied.

On less of an appearance-based issue, I've also found that getting public transport is a much more pleasant experience - and again, I didn't realise that I was giving myself a raw deal before. The trains from Norwood Junction in the morning are pretty crowded, but there are usually one or two seats dotted around. However, they're usually the ones that involve wedging one's womanly form between two sprawled-out middle-aged businessmen wielding copies of the Financial Times, so attempting to squeeze my child-bearing hips into them used to feel like a bit of an imposition. Not so anymore - now that I am a normal-sized girl (it's official! I'm a normal-sized girl! I admitted it!), I don't take up any excess space, and I don't get any tuts or dirty looks (actually, I do - but that's usually because I'm playing Miley Cyrus too loudly on my iPod). I noticed the same thing when I went to the theatre and to a gig at the weekend, and I'd imagine I'll notice it quite dramatically when I fly to Spain on Easyjet in February.

More importantly, I'm also now a nicer, calmer, more grown-up and saner person. I'm not saying I was horrible, manic, immature and bonkers before, but something's definitely changed. I think it's partly because I feel in control of my life at the moment, but also because I'm exercising regularly (I'm successfully gymming two or three times a week and - get this - actually enjoying it) and not subjecting my body to the highs and lows that come from sugar, carbs and booze. So, it'll be interesting to see if this inner calm goes out of the window when I start eating normal stuff again. Which leads me nicely onto the next subject...

Food. I'm now only around a stone off my original target and, since I'm averaging a loss of around 3lbs a week (average being the operative word - this week I lost 5lbs, but last week I only lost 1 lb, despite doing absolutely nothing any differently - aside from that lone vodka and soda at Reading all those months ago, I still haven't lapsed at all), I should hit that around Christmas. And I'm still undecided about what to do about that. Going into Management at New Year seems like a good idea, but I'd quite like to eat something at Christmas too. And as for alcohol... I'm scared! I think it will end up being a last-minute decision, and I think that's OK. I remember months ago I wrote that I was definitely going to eat and drink at my friend Raji's hen night - well, that's now been and gone, and when the time came, I decided to stick to the diet and still had a brilliant time. So perhaps the same thing will happen when Christmas rolls around. Christmas Day itself isn't really the issue, as my family have said they don't mind either way, but all the festive merriment beforehand could be tricky. My work Christmas dinner won't be much fun if I'm just sitting there for hours watching everyone stuff their faces with food and wine, but I can't and don't want to miss it. Oh well, there's no point getting stressed about it - I've managed this for four months and have lost 4 stone 5 lbs in that time, so what's another month?

So, apparently you people want pictures. Well, first, here's a (hideous) shot of me two weeks before starting Lighter Life, wearing a size 18 dress. When I bought that dress, I had to get Nicky to adjust the lining with some cunning scissorwork so that my boobs would fit in. It's a different story now - I tried it on the other day and it looked like an actual tent, and it was particularly billowing around the chest. I've now got rid of it, along with all my "fat" clothes (some of which my aforementioned ace sister is selling for me on eBay!). Anyway, I then present you with a picture of me in a similar pose at the party I went to on Friday. Even I can see the difference - and really it's more about toning up (I. Hate. My. Arms!) than losing much more weight now - yay!

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Wobble

Most of my blog posts so far - in fact, all of them - have been very positive, but today I'm feeling a bit wobbly. Literally. I've lost four stone, I'm ahead of target as far as clothes sizes are concerned, I'm wearing things I actually like (well, not right now - I'm in my gym kit!), physically I feel really good and I'm getting compliments everywhere I go - but I feel a bit weird about it. We're warned on this diet that our brains might take a while to catch up with our bodies, meaning we'll find it hard to see that we've actually lost weight, but I thought I was a little more rational than that. Apparently not. When I look at photos of myself I can see a difference, but when I look in the mirror, I find it hard to see where that four stone has gone. I hope my brain catches up soon as it's making me feel very insecure and critical of myself. What can I do to help with this? It would be useful, perhaps, if I saw someone I hadn't seen since starting the diet, but I can't think of anyone. Also, I shouldn't have to rely on other people to hammer the point home - it ought to come from me. Perhaps I should also get back into the habit of having pictures taken every few weeks and posting them on Facebook. But again, that wouldn't just be for my own benefit - does that matter? What else would help... a giant cardboard cut-out of me pre-diet? Plastercasts of my body made every few weeks? A lobotomy? Aaargh, this is HARD!

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Boys, boys, boys

Over the past few weeks, I've been contemplating what losing weight might mean for my love life. When I started the diet (which is just over three months ago now, and it's flown by), I made a decision to remove myself from romantic entanglements too. This was partly for practical reasons - dating would be pretty tricky without food or drink being involved, unless I fancied explaining the whole thing to a new person or someone I didn't know very well. But it was also for more personal reasons - without wishing to sound like some kind of idiotic Californian, I guess I'm treating the last half of 2008 as a time of personal development and me-time and I consider myself to be a work in progress rather than a complete human being. This has been really positive, as it's allowed me to step back from all the dramarama of the pre-diet me, reflect on it and generally become more wise/pompous. So, I'll do a bit of that now, shall I?

Amusingly, in the last few weeks before I started Lighter Life (I made the decision to do it in early July, but had to wait a month or so before my group actually started), I was the most on fire I'd been in ages. I suppose every night out in that period had a ten to two quality to it, in that I knew the following few months wouldn't have such a sense of wild abandonment so I made the most of it. That makes it sound like I was slagging about a bit. I wasn't at all, but I was quite, um, popular. This leads me to an interesting point... I don't really feel that being a bit of a lard-arse has ever massively affected my pulling power. OK, so I've been officially single for much of the past four years but I don't think that's to do with my looks (or lack of…). When I told my parents I was doing Lighter Life, I got very, very annoyed when my mum’s instant reaction was "Oh yes, if you lose weight you might get a nice boyfriend". This makes my mum sound a bit horrid when she is in fact brilliant, and I know she was just trying to be encouraging, but it pissed me off at the time, for two reasons. The first is that I’m doing this diet for me and only me, and I genuinely mean that. I wouldn’t have been able to stick to it for so long if this wasn’t the case, and I think losing weight with the goal of getting a man would be pretty ill-advised and pathetic. The second thing that annoyed me about my mum’s reaction is the fact that I've got plenty of skinny friends with no boyfriends or not-nice boyfriends, and I've got plenty of non-skinny friends with nice boyfriends. Also, when I was at my heaviest, at the age of 21, I was in a happy long-term relationship. With an actual man, not with a Chinese takeaway menu, before you ask.

So, yes, basically it's all bollocks. Sorry Mum, but if anything's holding me back from having a "nice boyfriend" - and I don't even want one at the moment, thank you very much for asking - it's my personality! Any romantic failures I've had over the past few years - and believe me, there have been... several - haven't been about my level of physical attractiveness. In fact, the two men who've broken my heart the most in my life - one a long-term boyfriend, one a never-quite-anything - both seemed to think I was pretty hot. Unfortunately, they were evil. Sigh. Annoyingly, though, at the time of any romantic setback, I’ve often secretly and not-so secretly thought “Would this have happened if I was thinner?” but when I’ve reflected on it in hindsight, I’ve realised my weight had absolutely nothing to do with it. I think I’ve always been reasonably confident with my body in, um, intimate situations. I suppose I figured that if they’d got to that point with me, they knew what they were getting, and weirdly, I’ve always felt I look better in a state of undress than in clothes! This is to do with my body shape which has always been hourglassy - just different sizes of hourglass, I suppose - which is much easier to show off in, say, nice underwear than it is in the kind of generally uninspiring clothes that fit when you’re a size 16 or 18. I could say that I like me so much better when I’m naked but then I’d put a really annoying song in your heads and my dad might read it!

Contrary to everything I’ve said above, I am aware that being of a non plus-size variety might open up my options a bit. At least, one would assume so, since you only have to look at any internet dating site to see that the vast majority of men tick that they're looking for someone "slim, average or athletic", with far fewer of them also including "curvaceous" or whatever particular euphemism the website in question has gone for. Presumably, real-life men in real-life bars, nightclubs etc (um, where else do we meet people? I genuinely can't think of anywhere) have similar criteria but just don't get to spell it out quite so bluntly. Anyway, I haven't noticed if Isabel minus 3 stone 9lbs has been getting more male attention, as I haven't been looking, but when I relaunch myself in 2009, it will be interesting to observe.

But this all leads to a bit of a quandary - in fact, a series of quandaries - that I've analysed with various people, because I'm a girl, and that's what girls do. If, in 2009, I meet a whole new man who fancies the whole new me, do I have to explain that I'm four or five stone lighter than I used to be? Will he find this off-putting? Would it bother me that he probably wouldn't have liked me before I lost weight? And even if he didn't find it off-putting, would I constantly worry about putting on weight again and making myself less attractive in his (and my) eyes? Similarly, what if an existing man in my life who didn't fancy me before suddenly finds me attractive because I've lost weight? Would this be bad? One of my best friends thinks it would be bad, but I tend to disagree because the fact is, there are many men I find attractive, but I sure as hell wouldn't if they gained three or four stone. Shallow, but true. But that's not to say I wouldn't find it a bit difficult to deal with if this situation arose - again, the worries about me putting on weight (and they could be his worries, not mine) could rear their ugly fat heads. I'm interested to hear what other people think of all these issues, particularly men, so do let me know if you have any words of wisdom.

All of this is making me sound a bit neurotic, and I'm getting way ahead of myself since there is, for the first time in years, nobody at all on the scene (not that I'm aware of anyway - if you want a piece of me, do let me know and I'll book you in for 2009). Also, I've omitted a crucial detail - the change in me isn't simply physical. I feel like a different person, with more confidence, and confidence is way more desirable than slim thighs and sharp cheekbones, or so I've been lead to believe. I also feel much more in control than I've ever been before, and just generally more brilliant. Perhaps I'll actually become a total egomaniac and repel all human beings. But at least I'll be a slim egomaniac!

Monday, 3 November 2008

Triumph

Back in July, when I was waiting to start Lighter Life, I bought a lovely red dress from ASOS in a size 12-14. I've never been a size 12-14 in my life, not even when I was a kid, so it was a bit of a risk to buy it when I hadn't even started the diet, but I knew how determined I was.

So, I've been trying the dress on at regular intervals ever since then. Three months ago, I couldn't even begin to get it on. A month ago, I could get it on, but it was too tight on the boobs and arms. Fast forward to this weekend, and I was fretting about what to wear to my brother in law's 40th birthday party. My wardrobe is quite limited at the moment, because I've got rid of all of my old stuff but am reluctant to buy too many new things in transitional sizes. So, I tried on the red dress, expecting it to still be too tight, but I think you know what's coming... it fit perfectly!

I ended up wearing it to David's party, had a great time and got lots and lots of compliments. I have to say, I'm enjoying all the attention. When I stop losing weight, I might have to drastically alter my appearance from week to week (shaved head? Tattoos? Face transplant?) just to keep the attention coming, like some kind of publicity-hungry celebrity. Jesus, I could turn into Jodie Marsh. Anyway, here is the hard evidence that the dress fits (incidentally, a few months ago there's no way I would have allowed a full-length photo to be taken next to a friend as skinny and gorgeous as Nicky... although admittedly, it's not the best picture of her - sorry Stocks, but I look nice!):

I know it sounds silly to put so much meaning into an item of clothing, but fitting into it felt like an impossible dream, so it meant so much to be able to wear it. It's the first time in my life that I've given myself an incentive and actually achieved my goal. And that feels amazing.

People keep asking me how much longer this diet goes on for. Let me explain so I don't have to have this conversation again. Initially, you sign up for 100 days of "abstinence", existing on four foodpacks a day and loads of water. My 100 days is up on November 15th, less than two weeks from now. But at that point you can carry on for as long as you like, until you get to your target weight. I've lost exactly three and a half stone so far, and to get to my original target of a size 12, I reckon I need to lose around two more stone, although it's quite tricky to gauge it. I've decided to lose another stone and a half and then re-evaluate, which should take me into December. I do not want to be in total abstinence at all in 2009, so either at the end of December or the beginning of January, I'll start the Management section of the diet, which is the most important bit when it comes to maintaining my new weight. It's a set 12 week programme which is very gradual, so initially I'll still be having three of the foodpacks a day plus one protein-based meal, with different kinds of foods being introduced each week. This all feels quite daunting as by that point I won't have eaten normal food for over four months! It means that by the time my 28th birthday (ugh) rolls around at the end of February, I should be eating fairly normally and drinking a bit and after months of no booze, I'd imagine I'll be a very cheap date.

You may have noticed that Christmas sits quite clumsily in the middle of all this uncertainty. I'm hoping that I'll be able to have a protein meal - ie turkey plus vegetables - on Christmas Day, but I'm really not that fussed and will see how I'm getting on at the time. Christmas isn't particularly important to me and my mum isn't into cooking, so I don't think anyone will be remotely bothered if I'm not eating a proper Christmas dinner. I can just entertain the children or something. The main thing I'm excited about Christmas-wise are all the clothes vouchers I'm going to demand, because that's the kind of vain, shallow human being this diet is turning me into. And I'll be a size 12 by then and will actually be able to buy stuff that will fit for more than a month. So exciting.

In fact, I'm excited about 2009 generally. 2007 was absolute hell for various reasons, 2008 has been more reflective and a time for personal development and improvement inside and out, and 2009 is when Isabel: The Relaunch will take place. Move over Britney, THIS is the comeback everyone will be talking about...

Saturday, 18 October 2008

And the award for most shameless self promoter goes to...

... ME! It was the Bauer Awards last night, which is when all the magazines in the company have a big piss-up at Grosvenor House, pretend they're not bothered about winning anything and boo loudly when love rats go up on stage to collect awards (LONG story...). I got shortlisted in the Rising Star category and had a brilliant evening. I had a bit of a revelation beforehand - I'd been worrying for days about what to wear, and I only realised on the day itself that I hadn't given a second thought to the fact that this would be the biggest, most formal eating/drinking situation I'd been in since starting the diet. But once again, everyone else was much more bothered about it than I was, constantly asking if I was OK, etc. Luckily I had a greedy boy to eat my food, and plenty of thirsty workmates to drink my share of the alcohol. So selfless of them. Anyway, this blog's been absent from photos for a while which seems silly as, really, who wants to read about weight loss unless there are photos? So, here's a picture of me last night in my new size 14 Oasis dress, alongside a picture of me from the same awards a year ago, looking drunk and hideous in a size 18 dress...

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me

If there's one thing I can't stand it's vanity. I find it particularly repugnant when men spend way too much time on their hair, clothes and - the worst - tans (sorry Stef), but I'm also not a big fan of girls who are completely obsessed with the way they look. Or, at least, I used to feel that way. But, now that I'm three stone lighter (OK, 2 stone, 12 lbs lighter, let's not get ahead of ourselves) I'm obsessed with looking at pictures of myself, checking myself out in mirrors, buying clothes and then trying said clothes on several times while checking myself out in mirrors and, yep, possibly even taking pictures of myself doing it and then looking at them. If I wasn't me, I would think I was a total twat.

I had today off work for tedious reasons involving Sky engineers, and this morning I went shopping in Croydon with the intention of buying two, just two, items - some new jeans, as my old ones now all look beyond ridiculous, and a dress for the Bauer Awards this Friday. I ended up buying the jeans... plus a skirt, some shoes, a necklace, some tights and FOUR dresses. I've also got two dresses on the way from ASOS, and another one from somewhere in America. I think somebody should probably take my debit card away (Dad?) before this gets any more out of control. To be fair, though, the jeans were a tenner from New Look and a lot of the other stuff was from Primark, so I didn't spend a huge amount... but probably more than I should have done considering some of these items will be too big for me quite quickly. I used to hate shopping, but now that I'm thinner, I have to confess that I rather like it. Suddenly changing rooms aren't evil and Topshop isn't a no-go zone. I've still got a way to go, as at the moment I'm a size 14 in everything but jeans, thanks to my sticky-outy, size 16 bum, but just a few months ago that bum sometimes struggled to get into 18s, so it's progress. I also have a ridiculous new bra size, as I've lost a lot off my back, but not too much cuppage - so I'm now a 34GG, when I used to be a 36GG or 38G. Perhaps I should do porn.

Speaking of which (boobs, not porn - this isn't that kind of website), I had to buy a hideous sports bra yesterday because... wait for it... I've joined the gym! On my last blog post, an anonymous reader (ooh, mysterious...) asked if I was doing any exercise so I can now answer this. I've been going swimming at South Norwood Leisure Centre a couple of times a week since July, but now that I'm lighter and feel more confident, I decided to sign up to their gym as well. It's cheap and really modern, and never appears to be very busy. I've just got back from my induction and it was surprisingly OK. The instructor was nice and I explained the diet and everything to her, so I've got a programme which will mainly focus on toning, as obviously this is a big concern when I'm losing a lot of weight very quickly. I discovered that I'm actually stronger and fitter than I thought I was, but then last time I had a gym induction was in 2003 when I was a lot heavier (I lost a couple of stone on Weightwatchers in 2004, and kept most of it off before starting Lighter Life). We've also been given a stretchy exercise band thing, a Swiss ball and a couple of DVDs at our Lighter Life meetings, but it's tricky for me to use these at home as my flat is very small, and Delilah (my cat) thinks it's a fun game and tries to join in. Anyway, people who witter on about exercise are really, really dull so I won't expand further, other than to say yes, I'm exercising, and I plan to step it up as my calorie intake rises - on only 500 a day, I need to be careful I don't overdo it.

I've got about four weeks to go until the initial 100 days of Lighter Life is over and I hope to lose around 18 more pounds in that time. I then have a choice: if I'm happy where I am, I can move into "Route To Management" which is where food starts to be re-introduced. Or if I want to lose a bit more weight, I can go into "Development" which means I'd carry on with the no-food, no-booze, no-life (not true) thing until I reach my goal. I'd imagine I'll carry on for three or four weeks, and then start RTM around Christmas - which will be interesting, to say the least.

Any questions? If you ask me stuff, I might actually update this more often...

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

My blogging shame

Today I've had two complaints about my lack of recent bloggage. One of them even cited the date that I last wrote and pointed out that I'd said in that very entry that I'd be updating loads because I had time off work. Well, um, I lied, didn't I? But while I might not be sticking to my vow to update this regularly, I am sticking to the diet. No slip-ups, no drama and I've now lost over two stone. So, what the hell have I been doing with my time? Let's see...

Home improvements: My flat is now nearly as beautiful as I want it to be. Thanks to the combined skills and general brilliance of my parents (Mum = painting and curtain making superstar. Dad = demon driller) and my own sense of motivation (which I never used to have before this diet), my living room is now all kinds of gorgeous. It's been rid of crappy Argos bookshelves and Ikea bits and pieces, and is full of things I really love from vintage shops and eBay. Speaking of which...

Spending money: Oh my god, I'm addicted to shopping. Over the past few weeks, Paypal has become my best pal. I've realised that everything is better in America and have been buying all sorts of clothes that don't fit me yet from sites like pinupgirlclothing.com, as well as loads more tat for my house from far-flung corners of the world like Oklahoma, Rotterdam and, er, Crystal Palace. I've also been spending money in actual shops, where you have to deal with human beings and everything, and today bought my first much smaller item that actually fits. I know a size 14 isn't small by a lot of people's standards, but it is definitely in the realms of "normal" and "curvy" rather than "fat", so for me to be able to buy something that size - and not even something stretchy, but a fitted autumnal jacket - is quite an achievement. And it wasn't a fluke - I tried on several different coats of various shapes and colours, and 14 was the right size in all of them. This is partly because my boobs (which normally had me firmly in size 18 territory with anything that needed to fasten) have shrunk quite a bit over the past week or so. Don't worry, whammer fans, they're still definitely prominent, but you might want to kiss goodbye to them soon. Not literally. Unless you're fit. Today I also bought a waist-cinching belt in a medium (the large was too big! This is unheard of!) which shows where my weight is coming off - my waist is under 32 inches now, but my hips are still of child-bearing proportions and, well, baby's most definitely got back. I'm still definitely a 16 in jeans, but that's OK - I like having an arse, and I know things will be in proportion eventually.

Socialising: My struggle with having fun while not boozing/eating is over - it's now totally fine. I went to a wedding drinks thing on Saturday night and had a brilliant time - the best I've had since starting the diet, and it didn't bother me at all that people were scoffing chips and knocking back shots of sambuca. I've also been enjoying doing different things - there have been more trips to the theatre, more gigs, more nice lunchtime strolls, more ridiculous conversations with Nicky (the day we run out of things to say to each other is the day the world ends) and I've just got home from my first ever meeting of Isabel's Book Group For Nice Girls Who Are Clever And Not Pretentious (search for it on Facebook if you want to join) where we discussed Lionel Shriver's We Need To Talk About Kevin. A lovely mixture of people came along and it made me feel all warm inside - and without the aid of Jack Daniels. I think that when it comes to drinking again, I'll take a much more moderate approach, as I've realised I absolutely don't need it to have a good time, which is quite the revelation for me.

Getting a big head: I've been really touched and overwhelmed by how lovely 99 per cent of people I know have been about me doing this. Obviously it goes without saying that my closest friends and family have been amazing, but I've also been getting lots of support and encouragement from people I don't know so well. Every day I get compliments about how good I'm looking, and some of the most meaningful come in the form of private messages from random people on the fringes of my life, because I know they wouldn't bother if they didn't mean it. It really keeps me going and I'll be keeping them all in a special file so if I struggle further down the line, I can give myself a boost. Blimey, that was a bit sincere. I hate you all really.

The important thing to remember is even though I might be, according to some of you, looking great at the moment, I do still have a long way to go. I'm over halfway through the first stage of this diet, but the hard bit comes after that, when real food starts coming into it. I'm determined to get to my target of a size 12 which I reckon will involve losing around two more stone, but it's really hard to say. At the moment it feels quite easy but I know it won't stay that way, so it means a lot to me that I have so many people being so damned brilliant. Aaaargh, there goes that heartfelt sincerity again! I'd better go before I start weeping or something.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Don't worry, I haven't starved to death...

I've just been busy. Yes, it is actually possible to be busy when you're not eating or drinking like a normal person. I've also been very tired, so haven't had the energy to write (I write all bleeding day, so sometimes it's the last thing I want to do when I get home). A couple of people assumed that the absence of bloggage meant that I'd given up but "au contraire!", as someone twatty might say, it's still going very well - as of yesterday, I've lost 1st 11lbs... in five weeks! Apparently that's the weight of an average two year old - I would like to illustrate this point with a photo of me when I was two, but there are two problems: 1. I don't have any to hand and 2. I'd imagine I weighed a lot more than that when I was two, given that my brother and sister used to nickname me the Michelin baby. Oh yes, I've always been "curvy".

The other good news is that, from what I can remember, I now officially weigh less than I have since approximately the second year of university - although, weirdly, my body is a different shape. My boobs are bigger than they were then (since starting this diet, I've gone down a back size, but am still the same cup size), but my waist is smaller (it now stands at 32.5 inches - three inches smaller than it was five weeks ago!). My my, I must have blossomed into a woman.

I now have a week off work, but I'm not going anywhere - instead, I'm sorting out my flat. I've lived here for a year now and I love it, but it still feels a bit incomplete - I haven't even fully unpacked. Oh my god, I'm a terrible human being. To be fair though, it's a small flat without much storage, and I own a lot of crap. So, this week I'm sorting a lot of stuff out, getting rid of things (including all the clothes that are now too big for me) and then my mum's coming to stay for a couple of nights to help me decorate - brace yourselves, for the pink palace will be getting even pinker!

I think this urge to do nesty things is probably diet-related - maybe I want to make over my flat as well as my body, or maybe I'm using the energy that's normally reserved for socialising too much and actually doing something positive and productive with it. This is exciting, as if my flat's looking good, it will make me want to invite more people into it (oo-er, does this apply to my body as well? Time will tell!) and my home is a much better environment for me at the moment than bars and restaurants. I also have a lot of tedious personal admin to do this week, including renewing my driving licence (which means I've been on the road for ten years. God, I'm old). This is a bit annoying because I don't really want to get new passport pictures taken for it until my cheeks have gone from festively plump (my ex-boyfriend used to squeeze them and say "A round face is a happy face!" - um, no, a round face is a greedy face) to "Excuse me, would you mind awfully if I sliced this lump of cheese on your face?".

Although I just wrote that "my home is a much better environment for me at the moment than bars and restaurants", I have actually been spending a fair amount of time in eating and drinking establishments, and it's really fine - normal food just seems like something that's not part of my life at the moment, and it genuinely doesn't bother me when other people are eating. In some cases, it seems to bother them a lot more than it bothers me- there's been quite a bit of "I'm so sorry to eat this in front of you, are you sure it's OK, I can go somewhere else" etc etc. Please stop this, real life friends - in fact, shut your cakeholes!

As for the drinking... I do still miss it, but not as much as I thought I would. In theory, I'll be finishing the abstinence part of this diet on November 14th, and after that you go to the management stage, where you start introducing different types of foods gradually (there's a set programme, it's all very sensible). As far as I'm aware, you don't re-introduce alcohol until the fifth or sixth week of that but given the time of year this will coincide with, I just don't think this is going to work for me, so I'm going to have to adapt it somehow. Whatever happens, I'm going to drink on November 22nd - it's my lovely friend Raji's hen night, and I'm very excited about it. But if that's the first time I've boozed in over three months, I'll have to be very, very careful.... although at least by then I should be light enough for me friends to peel me off the floor if necessary.

I've got a mental list of things I want to write about in this blog (and some of it's quite juicy...) so I'll try to get round to it during my week off... probably when I'm trying to avoid sorting through my endless piles of junk.

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Incident at Blockbuster

So, I just went to the video shop (do we still call them that?) for some Sunday afternoon entertainment (I got Lars & The Real Girl, Happy Go Lucky and the probably quite dreadful My Sassy Girl, DVD rental fact fans. Starving people watch a lot of films. Well, apart from the ones in Africa...) and this happened:

Blockbuster Lady: "You get a free bag of popcorn with those."
Isabel: "Oh, I don't want one."
Blockbuster Lady: "But it's free!"
Isabel: "No no, I don't want it, thanks."
Blockbuster Lady: "It's free!"
Isabel: "I DON'T LIKE POPCORN." [clearly a massive lie. I bloody love the stuff, especially the sticky, eye-wateringly sweet, bagged kind that she was offering]
Blockbuster Lady: "OK, but I have to scan it anyway. Are you sure?"
Isabel: "I DON'T WANT IT. YOU KEEP IT!"
[silence]

She must have thought I was fucking rude but I do think this is a good example of how junk food is pretty much forced upon us all the time. Incidentally, I think this is the first time I've been in a free food situation (away from people's houses, I mean) since starting this diet, but I'm sure it won't be the last. Being a wanky media type, free food and booze are pretty much on tap seven nights a week if I chose to live that way. I've deliberately stayed away from those kinds of events recently, but I think I'll have one in a couple of weeks when I go to the opening of Lucky Voice in Islington (bollocks to shyness, I'll do karaoke sober). And then there's the company awards thing in October, which I'm already a bit concerned about (massive sit-down meal and free wine and champagne all night) but I've already arranged a plan with some greedy boys who'll eat my food, so it should be OK. But still, this is all quite stressful! I don't mind telling people I know about this diet (in fact, everyone is weirdly fascinated by it) but I don't want to have to explain it to strangers.

Right, I'm going to watch those films now with not a kernel of popcorn in sight.

Saturday, 30 August 2008

According to my army of fans* I need to blog more often

* it's a small army.

Things are still going well. Saturdays are exciting for me now as it's when I have my weekly Lighter Life meeting and get weighed. Is it a bit sad that it's now probably the highlight of my week? Today I'd lost another 3lbs, so that's 1st 2lbs in total - in three weeks! I'm delighted. But to be honest, I find clothes sizes more tangible, so even more motivating is the fact that, before I started this process (crank up the Westlife and cut to voiceover: "Isabel's journey to The X Factor hasn't been an easy one...") I was a size 16-18, depending on the shop and the item in question, but I'm now firmly a size 16, all over - my size 18 jeans are dead to me. I'm sure a lot of skinny minnies reading this would cry if they were firmly a size 16, but it's an achievement for me, alright? I'm not going to buy any new clothes until I'm a 14, so for now they will just all have to be a bit loose, and I'm not going to buy loads of clothes until I'm a 12, when I will pat myself on the back and eat one tiny piece of chocolate.

So, who wants a visual? As I said, I've lost 1 stone 2 lbs, which is 16 lbs. Here's some shit that weighs 16 lbs:

This fish (sorry Liv, I think it might be a koi carp):

The bowling ball that Barack Obama famously scored just 37 points with (ooh, topical):

Kacper Skulska, aka the biggest baby ever born in Poland (he's the one on the left. I think):

So it's basically like I've given birth to a huge fish/bowling bowl/giant baby. Weird.

All in all, it's been a good week. Socialising has become enjoyable again (it was particularly enjoyable to watch all of my workmates get horrendously drunk at Jo Carnegie's leaving do on Thursday. I felt quite smug. Oh no, I'm one of those people now...), and now that I'm really able to see/feel results, it's very motivating. Also, today's meeting (two hours of "counselling") was really interesting - we learned about ego states, which I'd imagine is already a familiar concept to anyone who's studied psychology, but it was all new to me. It's to do with how we (and the people around us) either behave like a critical parent, nurturing parent, adult, rebellious child, free child or adapted child. We can all be all of those things at different times, and you can take them literally and apply them to your own relationship with your parents - I definitely have one critical parent and one nurturing parent (you know who you are!), but both of those things have positives and negatives. For example, a nurturing parent might have "treated" you with junk food when you were growing up, which could lead to a dodgy relationship with food now. I also act like a critical parent quite often, in that I'm quite, um, vocal about my opinions of people, even my friends (if I've got any left after admitting that) but wait, wait, don't hate me, I'm nurturing too - I like looking after them if they're sad.

Anyway, I could go on about all this for ages, but it's a bit too self-indulgent. Now I've got to clean my house. I've read on a few diet forums that some people use all the new energy they get from losing weight to clean their houses all the time. Sadly, this is yet to kick in. It's a pig-sty... it's just that the pig is a bit smaller now.

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

It's official - I'm obsessed with food!

So, today I wrote a book review - a book review of Lorraine Kelly's autobiography Between Me And You. Man, I'm cool. Anyway, it was only after I'd submitted the review and re-read it that I realised it was brimming over with references to food/eating/hunger. Here are a few examples:

"...we were hungry for revelations..."
"...our appetite for scandal was not going to be satisfied..."
"...the whole thing is served up..."
"...unpleasant taste in your mouth..."

This has taught me two things:

1. I should stop writing in such dreadful cliches.
2. Food is clearly on my mind, even if it isn't in my stomach.

Point 1 isn't really relevant here - in fact, it's about as much use as a chocola... never mind. Point 2, on the other hand, is interesting. Food is obviously on my mind constantly, without me even realising it. Which is funny, as abstaining from normal food has, apart from a few fragile moments (more on those in a moment), been pretty easy. But that's because I'm obsessed with this diet. I have a pretty obsessive (addictive?) personality at the best of times, but I suppose it's good that it's directed towards a positive goal at the moment. At least, I think it's a positive goal. But as my ever-wise and straight-talking friend Olivia pointed out today, in some ways the Lighter Life plan is basically medically-approved anorexia. But I don't suppose I should worry about that now - I think I'll know when to stop. And I have a long way to go yet. Although, and it's time for a boast, I have lost a stone now. Well, nearly a stone - 13 pounds, to be precise, in just over two weeks. Two weeks! People are noticing it now, my waist is two inches smaller and my clothes are much looser. It's exciting, and it makes me feel so good (particularly when people say such nice encouraging things) that it makes up for the boringness of dieting.

But, onto those fragile moments - and the first is actually booze, not food, related. As I mentioned in my last post, this weekend was Reading Festival, always one of the highlights of my year - but normally because I'm drinking non-stop, eating crap, donning a blonde wig and performing to thousands of people as Dolly Parton, meeting unsavoury characters and having an amazing time with my friends. This year, I did have an amazing time with my friends, but it was tee-total, food-free fun. And I didn't know that could be any fun at all.

However, and I've been in two minds about whether to own up to this, I did have my first lapse, in the form of one - yes, only one - plastic cup of vodka and soda water. Tut tut. I umm-ed and ah-ed over it for ages, and then succumbed to the lure of the bar at around 8pm on the Saturday night. The ordering of the drink was time-consuming, the taste of the drink was vile, and the circumstances of the drink's consumption were stressful - in fact, most of it ended up down my top as I got pushed around during Bloc Party's brilliant set. And, of course, I didn't feel great about it. Although I knew that one drink would have little, if any, effect on my weight loss, it was the principle of the thing - I'm supposed to be abstaining completely. But, and this is a big but (but not as big as my butt), I do feel I learned from it. I actually feel proud of myself for getting through - and enjoying - a festival (how many of you could do it without real food or alcohol? OR drugs, before you try to be clever...) which will surely be the biggest challenge I'll face on this journey (oh Christ, I've started talking about my "journey" - it's just like The X Factor). And I know now that drinking while I'm dieting is pointless, because there was no enjoyment factor - I just felt tired and a bit disappointed in myself. And I have also learned that feeling left out is perhaps a trigger for me to drink - and maybe eat too? But, slight blip aside, I had a fantastic weekend and saw a lot more bands than I would have if I'd been heading back to my tent every couple of hours to have a few more swigs on the winebox. I saw Lightspeed Champion, Bloc Party, Los Campesinos, Vampire Weekend, The Wombats, Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip, Black Kids, MGMT, Frank Turner, Jack Penate, The Killers, Mystery Jets... plus bits of loads of others. And I remember it all - amazing!

The second challenge came yesterday, when I went to the aforementioned Olivia's house for a little barbecue. For years, I've been moaning about not having many good friends in South London, and now Olivia and James have moved to Peckham, so it's all very exciting. But it would be more exciting if I could eat. I actually felt fine when plate after plate of chicken wings, burgers, crisps and cheese were being passed around - I mostly just enjoyed the smell while demurely sipping my mushroom soup - and, in fact, it wasn't until we moved on to the pub that I felt a bit iffy. Everyone was ordering desserts, and Olivia plumped for ("plumped for"! See?! Obsessed!) a chocolate brownie thing with gooey sauce and ice cream. I wasn't tempted to eat it, but not being able to even entertain the idea of doing such a thing did make me feel a bit sad. It's hard sitting at a table of friends who are all naturally slim despite happily stuffing their faces with crap all afternoon - how do they do it?

Anyway, this blog post is a bit on the epic side (and no guinea pigs again. I am sorry...) so it's time to shut up and go to bed.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Yawn

I haven't posted for a few days but don't worry, I haven't fallen off the "wagon", I've just been busy. It might be surprising that someone who no longer eats or drinks can be busy, but I have, so ner. I've visted relatives, watched films, consoled heartbroken friends and, well, that's about it really. But it's all been quite time-consuming.

Speaking of time, it's going so slowly. Which is annoying, as it's not like I've just been sitting at home measuring my thumbs to see if they're a millimetre thinner. Normally, when I'm busy, time whizzes by, but the last week has felt like a month. I think the problem is, other than this diet, I don't have anything exciting to get my teeth into. I'm going to Reading this weekend which would normally be a summer highlight, but now I just feel daunted by the idea of doing a festival without booze (the food side doesn't really bother me, since I can definitely live without greasy £8 burgers and stale £5 bacon sandwiches). Maybe I'm an idiot to still go, but it's a freebie, and I've been every year since the beginning of time, so I don't want to feel that I've missed out. What I'm trying to say is that social things that I'd normally look forward to now fill me with a slight sense of dread, as well as having to worry about the practicalities of making up the foodpacks when I'm not at home or work. I guess the only thing I'm really excited about is the goal of being a size 12 by Christmas - but that seems so remote at the moment.

I'm also worried that I've become really boring. And a quick read-through of what I've just written doesn't really help. I'm no longer generating anecdotes about drunken escapades and adventures, and all I can think about is this diet. But still, I know it's early days and hopefully that will change. At the moment I'm finding it hard to even pick up a book and read without getting distracted by thoughts of Lighter Life. Still, all this means I do feel very motivated to succeed - I haven't even been tempted by food, and am actually enjoying how empowering it all feels. I just wish I could fast forward three months.

Sorry this is so boring, with not a guinea pig in sight (although I have lost another couple since I last wrote, and it's starting to become visible) but, well, I'm boring now. Help!

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Why Facebook is evil

Normally Facebook acts as a catalogue of romantic disasters and fairweather friendships, but now it's taunting me about my diet too, and all the things I can't have. Just look!

Lucy Kemp has had a boozy Wednesday.

Emma Simkins's summer veg pasta rocked.

Sarah Pike really should be all pizza'd out by now.

Rajinder Kaur Randhawa is eating a pie that she made a month ago for dinner thanks to the wonder of freezers.

Hayley Henderson was cooking pasta yesterday...NOT TODAY!!!!

Clair Terry is looking forward to many a blue cocktail with Kiki tonight.

Gemma Bull has eaten a ridiculous amount of chocolate fingers.

Nick Davies has been busted with the fruit and nut.

Trish Mohan has just made lettuce soup and eaten a huge bar of chocolate!

Jen Crothers warns, "Do not eat the Eat soup today."

Kate Blinkhorn is eating a rubbish lunch cause of the credit crunch!

John Ellis needs a mug of milk.

And those are all from the past three days! Oh, what I wouldn't give to be nibbling on one of Gemma Bull's chocolate fingers or slurping on Clair Terry's blue cocktail. Hell, even Auntie Trish's lettuce soup sounds quite appetising. Sigh. OK, so I'm just being dramatic - I'm actually feeling pretty great and have even just been swimming. I'd been going twice a week for the past month or so but hadn't been since starting the diet as I was worried I'd be too weak, what with surviving on 500 calories a day and all. But it turns out I feel fine. In fact, I feel energetic - which is annoying, as it's nearly bedtime.

But first, I just wanted to draw attention to the fact that it seems EVERYONE is obsessed with food and drink, to the point that it's the first thing that pops into their head when Facebook asks them what they're doing right now. It's interesting that it's taken my own abstinence from conventional food for me to notice that. Actually, maybe it isn't interesting, but I just think it is because I have no real life other than this diet at the moment. Hmm, worrying. Whatevs, I'll embrace it - I was reading something similar on lighterlifecommunity.co.uk (which I'm now more addicted to than Facebook), basically saying how people doing this diet really notice other people's eating habits at work, in restaurants, at family dinners etc, and it makes them re-evaluate their own approach to food. I guess people's food and drink related status updates are just a virtual extension of this. I have to say though, pre-diet, if I had been scoffing, I'd be very unlikely to mention it on Facebook, as I'd probably be ashamed of it. Interesting. I wonder what that says about my attitude to food compared to "normal" people who mention it so casually?

I'll be watching you, you greedy piggies.

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

More on Isabel's shock weight loss...

So, in week one of Lighter Life, there's a midweek "pop-in" session and I went to mine this evening. I'd expected to lose one or two pounds, but I'd lost seven - the most out of the whole group of eight people!

Go me.

Anyway, I thought I'd try and put this into perspective by finding out what weighs seven pounds...

SEVEN guinea pigs:

FOUR trays of Krispy Kreme doughnuts:

TWO human brains:

ONE AND A HALF chihuahuas:

ONE average newborn baby:

How fucking weird is it that I've lost that in four days? It ought to be more visible than it is. I'll be getting weighed again on Saturday, so fingers crossed I shed another couple of boxes of Krispy Kremes before then - it's VERY motivating.

NEWSFLASH! OMG! I've lost HALF A STONE in FOUR DAYS!

Come back later for more on this breaking story.

Monday, 11 August 2008

"BLOG! BLOG LIKE THE WIND!!!"

These are the words my slightly eccentric friend Daniel shouted, at the top of his voice (and believe me, that's fucking loud) when I said goodbye to him an hour or so ago in the middle of Soho. People stared. People crossed the road to avoid him. So, to prevent any further public humiliation, blog I shall. It actually feels really good to write down how I'm feeling, as it's been a tough day. Work itself was fine, and I was amazed by how enthusiastic and interested everyone seemed when they realised I was doing this diet. One particularly nice workmate (hello Kay!) even came to the kitchen with me because she wanted to watch me mixing up one of my shakes!

I did flag throughout the day, and felt particularly rubbish mid-morning and then mid-afternoon, but generally it was OK, and some people even commented that my skin looks better already. I've noticed this too, I think, but it's probably more to do with the fact that I haven't been drunk for, ooh, six days, than anything food-related.

Anyway, the tough point came this evening, when I went to a colleague's book launch (Jo Carnegie, who's written a bonkbuster called Country Pursuits, if you're interested). I was in two minds about going as it seemed a bit foolish to put myself in a social situation - and not just any social situation, but one with free booze! - so early on in this diet, especially as everyone says that Day 3 is the toughest. But, I went along anyway, and did indeed find it really hard. Reassuringly, though, it wasn't the not eating/drinking that felt difficult - I can honestly say I had no desire to grab a flute of champagne, even though it was being thrust in my face every few minutes. It was more that I felt overwhelmed by all the people, which is really unusual for me, as I'm generally to be found chattering away in the middle of things. I think it was probably just because at the moment I feel weak, hungry and a bit lightheaded, but I really struggled and felt like I needed to get out of there quick. I even found it hard to find the energy to chat with my friends Jordan and Charlotte, and they are officially two of the most talkative people in the western world.

Still, I suppose I passed the test (not succumbing to food or drink, and so early on too), so perhaps I should feel pleased with myself. But it's put me off from saying yes to any similar invitations in the next couple of weeks. If I'm going to be sociable, I think it should be in small groups, not big boozy schmoozy scenarios. I always knew that the social side of my life would be the hardest part of all this, what with it revolving around food and drink. But at least I tried! It has spurred me on to try and come up with a list of fun things I can do in the next three months that have nothing to do with eating. Perhaps I can even become a bit cultured. Let me know if you have any suggestions...

Sunday, 10 August 2008

Day 2 - and THIS is what my kitchen cupboard now looks like...

Mmm, doesn't it just make your mouth water?

Things are going well, though. I went to see Mamma Mia at the cinema today so couldn't possibly be feeling anything other than chipper - it's the silliest, girliest, jolliest film since Enchanted.

I do feel a bit lightheaded but that's to be expected for the first few days - but I am a bit worried about feeling rubbish at work tomorrow. Still, at least it will be a distraction from starvation.

Anyway, I really don't have the energy to write anything entertaining (um, I'd better have got over this by 9.30 tomorrow, or there are going to be some seriously pissed off Heatworld users writing "meh" in the comments box on every story) so I'm going to dive back into my My So Called Life boxset. I've decided that boxsets are the way forward while my social life is slightly on hold - perhaps I should try to lose a stone a series...

Saturday, 9 August 2008

It's not like me to come over all shy...

... but there's something very, very embarrassing about starting this blog. Depsite the fact that I spend every day getting paid for being good at choosing the right words, suddenly my mind's gone completely blank. But that might be because this blog is all about me, and that makes me feel extremely self-conscious. Oh well, I suppose I should just be honest. Eek...

The truth is, after a whole life of being "curvy" (which we all know is just a euphemism for "Look at the arse on that!") I've decided to lose weight. A lot of weight, hopefully. As you may know (assuming you know me - and if you don't know me, then who the eff are you?), I've been wittering on for a few weeks now about starting the Lighter Life diet. If you want to know what that is, Google it - I can't be bothered to get into the technicalities right now. I'll just say that, as diets go, it's pretty serious (but medically-approved, so bore off with your scare-mongering), and the average person loses between three and five stone in the initial 100 day period of abstinence from conventional food and drink. Yes, drink. No booze for me for three months - at least! But I'll touch upon that at some other point. For now, I just wanted to get this show on the road - I went to my first group meeting thingy this morning, and it was really good. I've since started on the foodpacks I'll be living on for the next three months - I have to have four a day, and so far I've had two - a strawberry shake earlier on, and a mushroom soupy thing just now. They were much nicer than I was expecting (the 'shroom one just tasted like Cup-A-Soup) but it's weird not having anything to chew on. I'm not even allowed to chew gum (so all those pesky office chewing gum thieves will have to get their minty-fresh breath from other sources. Ha).

Anyway, this is really just a train of thought, so I'll finish it off with a bit of musing about my targets. I don't want to go into how much I currently weigh (more than Mary-Kate Olsen, less than Beth Ditto. I hope) but I'll say that at the moment I'm a size 16-18 (definitely an 18 if tits 'n' ass come into it, but a 16 in non-boob-squishing tops) and would like to be a 12-14 before Christmas time. I actually really don't care about how much I weigh - it's more about wanting to look good in nice clothes. And, er, be healthy and stuff obviously. Yes yes, must mention being healthy, or people will think I'm really shallow.

So, that's the introduction out of the way. I'm about to clear my cupboards of all edible stuff (definite advantage of living alone - I can only imagine how hard this diet must be for people who have other mouths to feed. I only have Delilah's cat food to worry about) and then try to think about something else. At the moment, I feel hungry, but I think it's psychological - two of my best friends (big up the Nicky and the Daniel) have phoned me this afternoon to see how things are going, and as soon as I started chattering to them, I didn't feel hungry at all. More entertainment and less introspection needed I think, just to get me through these first few days.